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Friday, October 11, 2013

Five Issues I Have With The Covers of Dinosaur Erotic Novels

At some point in the past week I took time out from suspecting the surreal press conference where the father of a nine year old that conned his way into a free flight to Las Vegas tried to answer questions from the media while hiding his face in a hoodie was maybe the result of either a brain tumor or LSD laced water (damn you Shelbyville!) and discovered, thanks to this Cracked article, that dinosaur on human erotic literature is not only a thing that exists but is profitable enough to warrant numerous follow up titles.

Naturally I cursed my college career counselor for not alerting to me to this possible means of exploiting a very select branch of fetish for financial gain. Then I started to actually look at the covers and found that I had numerous problems with them.

#5 They get the scale wrong

Look at them! The T-Rex is too small. So is the Triceratops. And the Velociraptors are way too big. Also at least one of the Velociraptors has a giant head that looks like they just decided to take an Allosaurus skull and add more teeth.

#4 There are no feathers on the raptors

Seriously the Velociraptors look more like over sized Deinonychus than anything. And even a Deinonychus had feathers! I mean just what kind of lazy Jurassic Park bullshit is this?

#3 A Pterosaur is not a dinosaur

Yes they looked weird and existed at the same time as actual dinosaurs but pterosaurs were of an entirely different taxonomic clade. So I don't know how the author could look themselves in the mirror after so egregiously including Taken by the Pterodactyl within the genre of dinosaur erotica.

#2 Why are the women dressing up for the dinosaurs?

Seriously take a look at the evening wear being sported by the hopeful women in Mating With The Raptor and Ravaged By The Raptor. Maybe I'm being uh.....is "speciesist" a word? But I'm guessing a Velociprator that has a thing for copulating with human females is not going to care much about what they are wearing.

#1 The context of the pictures makes no sense!

What exactly is going on in Mating With The Raptor? Are they about to do it on the deck of the cloud city of Bespin? Look at it. They are seemingly floating up in the sky above the clouds. Is the genre of dinosaur erotica so played out that there now needs to be a subgenre that includes sky coitus?

T-Rex troubles is even weirder. There we have a T-Rex and a bikini clad woman about to get it on in what looks like Monument Valley in Arizona. What makes this weird is that T-Rex would definitely not like being in an arid desert and I think it would definitely not be in the mood for love should it find itself there.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

How About Some Misleading Job Titles?

These are all real jobs. And some of them are pretty cool. But their names could manifest an idea of what their job is that is very much not what the job is actually about.


Sounds like: Psychic trans dimensional historian. In order to get the chronologies right this person does battle with creatures manifested from the minds of wizards in other dimensions.

Actually is: Someone that looks at tree rings.