First World Problems
Sure, the problems of third world people are more compelling in that so much more is on the line. Worrying about obtaining basic food or if the rat poison factory where your three children work is really up to snuff on safety is definitely drama with more at stake. But who can relate to that? We don't worry about not getting enough calories in a day. We count calories to eliminate them. And that is why this network exists: to showcase spoiled westerners losing their cool over problems people in most of the world wished they had.
See restaurant customers send back their french fries first for being too cold, then too hot, then for being too salty only to refuse to pay because it took so long for them to get french fries they deemed eatable. See gamers wig out and go on obscenity laced rants about their outrageous internet lag over the phone with starving workers in a phone bank who have never seen a video game console in real life. Watch as upper middle management sociopaths go apoplectic about a mistake with their credit card rewards program and take it out on an outsourced customer service employee who currently works in a dingy warehouse that might get hit by a mortar round if the rebels take the capitol. Entertain yourself with a indignant smart phone connoisseur who is outraged over the lack of a certain app on their new Ultrascreen MegaGadget Quasar 6.5 and how their lengthy thesis on the matter is read by child who lives in an abandoned chemical weapons factory and counts any day they not subject to gang rape by corrupt local police as a good one.
Talking Sports Talk
If there is one thing we apparently cannot get enough of it is sports talk networks. With over a dozen now and counting it is time to bring this all to an inevitable fate: a network dedicated to talking about other sports talk networks. Did Sportscenter flub the NBA highlights? Find out with on screen diagrams! Can CBSports find a way to fit 25 hours of college football talk into a 24 hour day? The pundits will discuss this. Is there a way for the NBC sports network to make golf look more boring and have Dan Patrick somehow spend an entire morning talking only about his production assistants personal lives?
This is important stuff people!
White Trash Free For All
First we had the daytime talk shows. Where visionaries like Jerry Springer or Jenny Jones bravely looked at our world and decided the one thing western civilization sorely lacked was a solid hour of retarded people arguing about the paternity of a child named after a word they saw in an IKEA. Then producers moved the show out of a studio and directly into the home of Soffbord and his girlfriend Epiphany so we could watch them argue about how to raise their three kids and not miss their prom night (which they only attend to sell meth).
But then people asked "what about when Soffbord gets caught selling all his meth?" and so a slew of new shows chronicling prison life sprung up with such innovative names as Lock Up, Locked Down and Locked Locks (citation needed on the last one). We now present a channel where all this voyeurism into the lives of the decision making challenged by televising 24/7 from a new lawless dystopia where we've released all these people to make civilization in their own image. Is it possible to just show people arguing in an fried chicken establishment over free butter packets? There is a whole hour of just that every day!
Kardashian Planet
Because apparently we can't get enough of them despite the fact that they never seem to do anything of interest. I won't pretend to understand how it is we can nearly have two whole networks (TMZ and E!) devoted to people less deserving of around the clock coverage. There are totalitarian dictators that watch them and weep at their own inability to garner such unmeritorious devotion. Which is why I suggest we just create one network where we can shove all their substance lacking personal drama and maybe hope future generations don't find it and condemn us as monsters.
Newscasters Try To Speak Icelandic
When the volcano Eyjafjallajökull erupted I discovered a new past time: seeing people in English speaking countries try to pronounce Icelandic words! It is so captivating that I've decided it needs to be an entire network. A network where the only language created to punish people for daring to have tongues is forcibly spoken by people angry their degree in journalism has reduced them to enduring linguistic torture for our own amusement. They'd curse their own luck if they could only still form sensible syllables.
Sure, the problems of third world people are more compelling in that so much more is on the line. Worrying about obtaining basic food or if the rat poison factory where your three children work is really up to snuff on safety is definitely drama with more at stake. But who can relate to that? We don't worry about not getting enough calories in a day. We count calories to eliminate them. And that is why this network exists: to showcase spoiled westerners losing their cool over problems people in most of the world wished they had.
See restaurant customers send back their french fries first for being too cold, then too hot, then for being too salty only to refuse to pay because it took so long for them to get french fries they deemed eatable. See gamers wig out and go on obscenity laced rants about their outrageous internet lag over the phone with starving workers in a phone bank who have never seen a video game console in real life. Watch as upper middle management sociopaths go apoplectic about a mistake with their credit card rewards program and take it out on an outsourced customer service employee who currently works in a dingy warehouse that might get hit by a mortar round if the rebels take the capitol. Entertain yourself with a indignant smart phone connoisseur who is outraged over the lack of a certain app on their new Ultrascreen MegaGadget Quasar 6.5 and how their lengthy thesis on the matter is read by child who lives in an abandoned chemical weapons factory and counts any day they not subject to gang rape by corrupt local police as a good one.
Talking Sports Talk
If there is one thing we apparently cannot get enough of it is sports talk networks. With over a dozen now and counting it is time to bring this all to an inevitable fate: a network dedicated to talking about other sports talk networks. Did Sportscenter flub the NBA highlights? Find out with on screen diagrams! Can CBSports find a way to fit 25 hours of college football talk into a 24 hour day? The pundits will discuss this. Is there a way for the NBC sports network to make golf look more boring and have Dan Patrick somehow spend an entire morning talking only about his production assistants personal lives?
This is important stuff people!
White Trash Free For All
First we had the daytime talk shows. Where visionaries like Jerry Springer or Jenny Jones bravely looked at our world and decided the one thing western civilization sorely lacked was a solid hour of retarded people arguing about the paternity of a child named after a word they saw in an IKEA. Then producers moved the show out of a studio and directly into the home of Soffbord and his girlfriend Epiphany so we could watch them argue about how to raise their three kids and not miss their prom night (which they only attend to sell meth).
But then people asked "what about when Soffbord gets caught selling all his meth?" and so a slew of new shows chronicling prison life sprung up with such innovative names as Lock Up, Locked Down and Locked Locks (citation needed on the last one). We now present a channel where all this voyeurism into the lives of the decision making challenged by televising 24/7 from a new lawless dystopia where we've released all these people to make civilization in their own image. Is it possible to just show people arguing in an fried chicken establishment over free butter packets? There is a whole hour of just that every day!
Kardashian Planet
Because apparently we can't get enough of them despite the fact that they never seem to do anything of interest. I won't pretend to understand how it is we can nearly have two whole networks (TMZ and E!) devoted to people less deserving of around the clock coverage. There are totalitarian dictators that watch them and weep at their own inability to garner such unmeritorious devotion. Which is why I suggest we just create one network where we can shove all their substance lacking personal drama and maybe hope future generations don't find it and condemn us as monsters.
Newscasters Try To Speak Icelandic
When the volcano Eyjafjallajökull erupted I discovered a new past time: seeing people in English speaking countries try to pronounce Icelandic words! It is so captivating that I've decided it needs to be an entire network. A network where the only language created to punish people for daring to have tongues is forcibly spoken by people angry their degree in journalism has reduced them to enduring linguistic torture for our own amusement. They'd curse their own luck if they could only still form sensible syllables.
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