Why I should be the new Pope

We need a new pope. Well really we don't. I'm pretty sure the Earth continues on with or without one. But because there will be a new one, needed or not, I hereby throw my hat into the ring for this position.

Sure, I understand there are a few problems with me becoming Pope Innocent XIV. Not the least of which is that I am not Catholic (baptized Mormon) and will be far from innocent. But Pope Innocent VIII had a whole slew of people tortured to death for no reason whatsoever. I assure you I would be much more innocent than that. Granted that isn't exactly a high bar in terms of ethics. But if we can look at Pol Pot and go "at least he wasn't Hitler" there will always be room for some measure of equivalency. After all Pol Pot wasn't Hitler. He was still, however, a genocidal monster. But enough about that.

So, why should the Catholic church make me the infallible link to God?

Reason #1: Awesome new Cardinals

Possum habett cazeumque burgensi?

We need new vigor in the ranks of the Cardinals.



Stephen Colbert. Catholic? Check.  Funny and cerebral? Check. A Cardinal in my new Church? You bet.

Joe Pesci? Why not? George Carlin already prayed to the guy for a number of years.

Is Gary Busey Catholic? Who cares. He's a Cardinal too. Not only that but he will have a microphone permanently affixed to him that will broadcast straight into St Peters. That will be entertainment. Especially since he won't even be told he is a new Cardinal. We'll just straight up kidnap him by telling him his beloved coat rack has moved to Fresno and that he needs to follow us in order to facilitate reconciliation. Wow. I've given this way too much thought.

Is Sinéad O'Connor still alive? She is! Is she still a 25% lesbian priest in an apostolic church? She is! Oh having her be a Cardinal will be awesome entertaining too. I know that traditionally the Catholic Church has said that ordaining women will get you excommunicated but.....can you excommunicate the Pope?

Speaking of which...

Reason #2: I will drag the Catholic Church into the 19th Century

Sure it would be nice if I could make the church a beacon of progress but I'm realistic. First thing to go will be that whole silly celibacy thing. Yes it is silly. The idea that there is such a thing as original sin is really rather...insane. And I'm gonna say that God isn't insane because if he is that is terrifying. As God is sane then the concept of original sin is heresy....sorry Saint Augustine.

Next up, birth control. Sorry people but you will never convince me that gametes are humans. I will no more believe that than I will believe my nail clippings are finger feces.

Reason #3: I will rebrand the church

You see the big issue right now is that Catholicism seems so antiquated. It needs an image makeover.

Here is my plan:

• We follow the lead of Cadillac. 
• You see once upon a time this luxury car maker was seen as nothing more than the producer of "Grandpa cars." They eliminated that problem by giving away free Escalade SUV's to popular (and young) sports figures, rappers and actors. Overnight they were hip again. Similarly we will offer financial compensation to famous people to convert. Then we turn their baptism into a TV event...speaking of which...
• We make our own TV network more awesome. 
• I mean right now there is an entire TV network for the NHL. That's a network for a league about something that is arguably not even a sport so much as it is anarchy on ice for sixty minutes after which we sometimes declare a winner. Nonetheless they somehow manage to fill it up with talk that makes it seem they are discussing something sensible. Surely we can do better. 
• We make a news segment that is full on Latin TV sexist. That means women with larger than normal breasts in extraordinarily inappropriate attire talking about the mundane.
• We turn the conclaves into a sporting event complete with telestrations and cgi reenactments. 
• Surely we can squeeze a few reality shows out of this too.
• We remodel the Vatican. 
• Here I take my cue from Islam. You see in Islam they have Mecca. And for centuries Mecca was boring. You went there, you prayed in noble buildings, you threw stones, you prayed some more. It was so very solemn. So naturally they said "enough of that" and turned Mecca into Muslim Vegas. We can do the same. First up will be an ostentatious, garish architectural abomination that will be six times too large. I will call it Tower Jesuit and it will be the most hideous 200 floor hotel ever built. 

Reason #4: I will purposely create an antipope

The shortlist.

If we want to be really serious about converting people to our faith we will need an enemy. And not some abstract thing like Lucifer. We need a material enemy right here on Earth that people can see. And therefore I will create an antipope. I have a friend who is totally prepared to become Pope Dioscorus II. He will set up shop in Avignon and wage war against us.

This means, of course, we will have to fight back. And that means a new Papal Army. Which means all sorts of new military power. Which means I will actually end up the most powerful pope since the Swedes were forcing feces water down Prussian peasant's throats.


So there you go. Think hard and when you send up the colored smoke let it be me that is the infallible link to your God.....did I just say "your God?" That probably won't help my cause.