The premier of the Syfy original film Sharknado looms.
I should probably pause to let that sink in. It isn't everyday that one is confronted head on with the possibility of seeing sharks and a tornado in a fever dream let alone in an actual movie. Or did you think I am making this up?
If so here is the trailer.
Also here.
Got that. Sharks, from ocean, into tornado....somehow. Also it has Tara Reid because....apparently this is what her career has come to. It was this or fight homeless men in a pit for a sandwich. Or booze....she just lives off booze these days right?
In a way you have to admire it. SyFy knows they produce crap and are just going with it. I imagine their pitch meetings include a lot of talks like this: "so there's this scary thing combined with this scary thing and it happens because F**k you that's why!"
Then they break for their usual lunch of mescaline and LSD to ward off anything that approaches sanity.
In that spirit here are some suggestions from me:
Revenge Of The Bismark
Nathan breaks into the mausoleum in Freidrichsruh to steal the remains of Otto Von Bismark so he can unite them with the sunken Nazi battleship of the same name. This naturally causes the ship to rise out of the ocean on a quest to avenge its sinking by destroying the Queen Mary II where C Thomas Howell just took over as captain.
Snakeicane
The worlds largest collection of venomous snakes is on the cargo ship Phobia when it is ripped asunder by a mighty hurricane. The storm propels the snakes into Miami where C Thomas Howell must get his family to safety and away from all the damned snakes.
Mechabear
The army wanted the ultimate in new killing technology. Maverick surf scientist Bane Shredder gave them more than they could handle. Now the Mechabear is loose, killing campers and no one can stop it!
Giant Piranha vs Robot Seahorse
The ocean isn't big enough for both of them. Will we die as they fight for supremacy?
The Vengers
Like The Avengers but lame. Count of confused grandmas giving away copies at Christmas.
The Vampire Dogs And Their War Against Cerberus
All the Vampire Dogs want is to cross the Styx and terrorize Hades. But not if the best mythological guard dog there ever was has anything to say about it! Also C Thomas Howell is in it or something.
Ghost Aliens
Little do the Andersons know that their new farm house was built near the crash site of alien visitors who will now haunt them into insanity.
Chimpmunk Night
Tonight is their night. The night they decide acorns are no longer good enough. They want blood! They want our blood!
Flight Of The Spiders
We always knew our time on earth was limited only by how long it would take spiders to learn to fly. Well guess what just happened?
Death By Tracking, Zoom Shot
The deadliest thing out there! A tracking shot that slowly envelopes unlucky couples caught out in the woods in the death glare of awful terribleness as it also zooms in. They can scream and scream as the frame crops slowly closer to their faces but they'll never escape.....unless they just walk to the side a little bit.
I should probably pause to let that sink in. It isn't everyday that one is confronted head on with the possibility of seeing sharks and a tornado in a fever dream let alone in an actual movie. Or did you think I am making this up?
If so here is the trailer.
Also here.
Got that. Sharks, from ocean, into tornado....somehow. Also it has Tara Reid because....apparently this is what her career has come to. It was this or fight homeless men in a pit for a sandwich. Or booze....she just lives off booze these days right?
In a way you have to admire it. SyFy knows they produce crap and are just going with it. I imagine their pitch meetings include a lot of talks like this: "so there's this scary thing combined with this scary thing and it happens because F**k you that's why!"
Then they break for their usual lunch of mescaline and LSD to ward off anything that approaches sanity.
In that spirit here are some suggestions from me:
Revenge Of The Bismark
Nathan breaks into the mausoleum in Freidrichsruh to steal the remains of Otto Von Bismark so he can unite them with the sunken Nazi battleship of the same name. This naturally causes the ship to rise out of the ocean on a quest to avenge its sinking by destroying the Queen Mary II where C Thomas Howell just took over as captain.
Snakeicane
The worlds largest collection of venomous snakes is on the cargo ship Phobia when it is ripped asunder by a mighty hurricane. The storm propels the snakes into Miami where C Thomas Howell must get his family to safety and away from all the damned snakes.
Mechabear
The army wanted the ultimate in new killing technology. Maverick surf scientist Bane Shredder gave them more than they could handle. Now the Mechabear is loose, killing campers and no one can stop it!
Giant Piranha vs Robot Seahorse
The ocean isn't big enough for both of them. Will we die as they fight for supremacy?
The Vengers
Like The Avengers but lame. Count of confused grandmas giving away copies at Christmas.
The Vampire Dogs And Their War Against Cerberus
All the Vampire Dogs want is to cross the Styx and terrorize Hades. But not if the best mythological guard dog there ever was has anything to say about it! Also C Thomas Howell is in it or something.
Ghost Aliens
Little do the Andersons know that their new farm house was built near the crash site of alien visitors who will now haunt them into insanity.
Chimpmunk Night
Tonight is their night. The night they decide acorns are no longer good enough. They want blood! They want our blood!
Flight Of The Spiders
We always knew our time on earth was limited only by how long it would take spiders to learn to fly. Well guess what just happened?
Death By Tracking, Zoom Shot
The deadliest thing out there! A tracking shot that slowly envelopes unlucky couples caught out in the woods in the death glare of awful terribleness as it also zooms in. They can scream and scream as the frame crops slowly closer to their faces but they'll never escape.....unless they just walk to the side a little bit.
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