Sharknado happened. It really did. A seminal event in our current pop culture exploded onto our TV screens then went away leaving us confused and laughing. Definitely laughing. If this film was deliberately made as stupid as it turned out then it marks a new brand of self aware entertainment. So let us examine this milestone in crappy TV movies with the first ever film review on this blog.
The Sharks That Chomp All The Time
This is of course a movie that needs a cold open. Because the people making it know that other good movies have cold opens but they never quite got the reason why. And so we are treated to a throwaway scene where a shady man with a nondescript accent makes a criminal deal with a man in a suit on what appears to be the most unseaworthy fishing vessel that isn't already at the bottom of the ocean.
Of course there is a storm brewing and so the poor cgi that is the boat is thrown around by the marginal cgi waves until the thing no one expects happens......SHARKS! That's right. Sharks start appearing on the boat out of nowhere chomping down on the crew making them disappear into clouds of red gore. Strangely neither the shady captain or the business suit guy seem to find this troubling. They decide to go into a cat and mouse game over a box of money that ends.....you guessed it....with sharks intervening. Because sharks always end things. Just not this movie.
But this completely unnecessary cold open does reveal one key fact: the sharks in this movie have only one thing on their mind and that is eating things. Even after being flung through the air the only thing the sharks want to do when they suddenly find themselves on a boat deck is chomp down on the nearest living creature. In a way you have to admire that purity of will and desire. It would be like if a human decided they just absolutely must perform a calisthenics routine in the middle of a burning building filled with rabid bears that are also on fire. Sure the person will end up mauled, burned and five types of dead but the idea that they would stop to do that even knowing it would kill them is just.....psycho is a better term. The sharks are psychos. Let's just go with that.
The Hurricane That Doesn't Know It Is A Hurricane
Now we get introduced to our plucky band of heroes. They are who I'll call Not Michael Rapaport, Miss Exposition (because her character seems to exist for inducing this from everyone) and Australian Type #1 (this would be a surfer as Hollywood long ago decided that all Australians are either surfers (type #1 ) or Crocodile Dundee (type #2)).
They all work in a bar near the beach in Los Angeles. And we get to know them over an accident involving a shark attack while out surf-towing. This scene not only establishes a formula we'll see throughout the movie (poorly edited sequences with people reacting to shark bites interspersed with stock footage of sharks) but also gives us our first gratuitous running scene with Miss Exposition in a tank top (this happens more than it should).
After they retreat to the bar to conveniently forget one of them was just chomped on by a shark they are shocked to find a news report on TV talking about a hurricane that is right there right now. This leads to a shark crashing through a window into the bar, Miss Exposition killing the shark with a pool cue, a wave washing over said bar and a ferris wheel detaching then rolling down the street before it destroys a building.
Then the hurricane just goes away. We get a series of shots that clearly show nice blue skies behind the actors and they didn't even bother with fake rain. This will also be a recurring feature of the film. At times it seems they simply forget there is supposed to be a hurricane going on and don't even bother with the most rudimentary reminders that "hey, the hurricane is still there."
Street Sharks
A decision is made to go rescue Not Michael Rapaport's wife (Tara Reid) and kids because they live in a big house up in the hills and clearly are in great danger from the incredibly mild wind and generally non-existent rain.
But this allows us to encounter a recurring menace in the film: Street Sharks!
Yes, as they drive down the street in what looks to be about 6-9 inches of water (not even enough to get to the hubcaps on the vehicle some shots show) they are surrounded by sharks. Sharks that sport massive dorsal fins indicating large bodies in spite of being in water barely deep enough to reach the underbelly of a lowrider. As these sharks clearly defy the laws of physics I can only guess they have traveled into our dimension from a place who's own basic tenets of reality would explode our minds if we contemplated them.
Or at least that is what I would like to think. Wherever they come from the geometry defying street sharks are clearly to be reckoned with.
Oh and they are tiger sharks too. Miss Exposition notes this and when asked on her knowledge of things shark she notes she saw it recently on Shark Week. Can someone say tie in? Get on this Discovery Channel.
Manhole Shark
They get to the house of Tara Reid and find that it is threatened by poorly rendered rain that is clearly only falling right in front of the camera. As the house is on a well drained hillside it is decided that it is in immediate danger.
Then the manholes explode with sharks flying out of them. No one in the movie even seems to really stop and marvel at what they just saw.
I repeat: manholes exploded in the street and sharks flew up out of them into the air. If I saw that I'd convert into all the religions right then. I'd also make terms with the end of human dominance on Earth because no large mammal could hope to survive on a planet shared with something as awesomely menacing as manhole sharks.
But they have other things to do like go into Tara Reid's house to argue over leaving. You see Tara is in there with her daughter (it seems Not Michael Rapaport is the dad) who strangely looks only a few years younger than her. While this goes on the house that is clearly on a hill somehow floods with calm standing water. And of course there are sharks in it.
Gratuitous Stock Footage Use
This leads to the most insane use of the stock footage/reaction shot scene in the whole movie. Because while they are obviously in a house with sharks attacking them the stock footage is just as obviously out in the open ocean. In a smarter movie I'd say this was an attempt at contemplation over the juxtaposition of an ocean going beast into an urban environment. But because this is Sharknado I'm just going to assume they let the intern edit this scene because F**K you. That's why.
Ghost Shark
Then we get a promo for the next shark movie. This one about a shark that is a ghost that can manifest in any bit of standing water. This leads to a bikini clad woman being sucked into a small bucket of water at a car wash while a cloud of blood gore explodes. Is Roger Corman still alive? If he is that scene would make him weep at his own inadequacy. Not even in a team up with George Romero could such a beautiful synthesis of sexual exploitation and gore-a-rama come to be.
Slasher Flick The Shark
As they try to leave the mysteriously flooded hill house the new man in Tara Reid's life, Disposable Man, is offed by a shark that just straight up appears from behind a door like it is the axe wielding madman in a slasher flick.
With Tara Reid and daughter now in tow they go outside and steal an awesome Hummer with help from Australian Type #1. While driving it they come across a bus full of kids that somehow ended up down in a wash. They decide to stop and rescue them because the bus is surrounded by water slightly more than ankle deep and that means lots of street sharks.
The School Bus Of Forgotten Children
This is interesting because no one else in the city seems to give a crap that there is an entire school bus full of kids down in this wash. Maybe the people are just sick and tired of school buses ending up down there as this is an ongoing problem? Maybe the film production just didn't bother to close down the street leading to this bizarre sequence where a group of five people endeavor to save a school bus while everyone else just drives by looking annoyed.
This rescue will be done by rope since that just happened to be on hand. I mean who doesn't have an emergency rappelling kit on them? I know I keep mine next to my emergency scuba kit and my emergency parachute kit.
Cliffhanger + Shark
The rescue of the kids the-rest-of-the-city-doesn't-care-about goes well enough. Everyone is hauled up the rope until only Not Michael Rapaport remains. Then as he ambles up the rope one of the street sharks decides it would be a nice time to make use of its ability to defy physics and leap up onto the rope.
Yes the shark leaps up and tangles itself in the rope in order to try and climb up and eat Not Michael Rapaport. Incredibly that isn't the stupidest thing that happens in this movie.
We'll Just CGI That In Later.....oops
As a rope breakage saves them from the rope climbing shark they find themselves relaxing on the street above. Then a tornado (yes this is the point in the film where the hurricane is completely forgotten about and now three tornadoes tear up the city) breaks up the Hollywood sign. The bits of debris from it shoot down at our plucky band of heroes who gracefully dodge them. Except for the one time they dodge and nothing is there. Because they forgot to cgi it in.
Shark On The Roof
Then they drive away. And find themselves wondering why the roof of the awesome hummer is making weird noises. It turns out there is a shark on the roof! Well some shotgun action takes care of that.
Los Angeles Has No Time For Disasters
At this point they get chased by a police officer who apparently is unaware of the disaster unfolding all around. In fact this scene underscores the fact that all throughout the movie no one outside our band of plucky heroes seems disturbed. It's like the whole city just decided that a hurricane, sharks and tornadoes just weren't enough to excited over.
We Must Stand And Fight The Tornadoes!
The heroes finally get to the airport where Not Michael Rapaport's son is hiding out. This leads them to make an astounding decision.
You see a lot of movies have been made that feature deadly tornadoes. But in none of them has anyone ever decided to fight back against the tornadoes. That's because those movies weren't Sharknado.
How to fight them? Well as Australian Type #1 explains tornadoes form where warm air meets cold air. So they plan to make bombs out of propane canisters. How will this work? F**K You! That's how.
How will they deliver them? By helicopter of course? Is it a good idea to fly bombs in proximity to a tornado? F**k you! This is Sharknado and we have no time for such logic.
For some reason it is decided that Miss Exposition should accompany Matt the too old son as he flies the bombs into the three tornadoes terrorizing the seven odd people in the city that seem to notice. This of course allows for exposition to happen in the helicopter right at the end of the movie when it is most convenient and we aren't in any way just hoping the whole thing will end soon.
So with some dodgy cgi helicopter and tornado scenes we get to see the propane bombs somehow extinguish the tornadoes. This leaves them with the problem of lots of sharks suddenly falling from the sky.
This Is My Chainsaw!
And this allows for Not Michael Rapaport to use his Chekov's chainsaw that he had been lugging around for no apparent reason. As a giant great white shark descends from the sky he rips that chainsaw to life and leaps up into its mouth......yes you read that right. He jumps into the shark chainsaw first.
Because why not? This allows him to cut his way out the other side. And what more fitting end to this movie could there be than someone forcing themselves out of the digestive tract of a massive creature with the help of a chainsaw.
So that was Sharknado. I can confidently say it is the best movie about sharks in tornadoes I've ever seen. Get on that cross over project Discover Channel. I'm pretty sure at least half the actors in this need more work.
The Sharks That Chomp All The Time
This is of course a movie that needs a cold open. Because the people making it know that other good movies have cold opens but they never quite got the reason why. And so we are treated to a throwaway scene where a shady man with a nondescript accent makes a criminal deal with a man in a suit on what appears to be the most unseaworthy fishing vessel that isn't already at the bottom of the ocean.
Of course there is a storm brewing and so the poor cgi that is the boat is thrown around by the marginal cgi waves until the thing no one expects happens......SHARKS! That's right. Sharks start appearing on the boat out of nowhere chomping down on the crew making them disappear into clouds of red gore. Strangely neither the shady captain or the business suit guy seem to find this troubling. They decide to go into a cat and mouse game over a box of money that ends.....you guessed it....with sharks intervening. Because sharks always end things. Just not this movie.
But this completely unnecessary cold open does reveal one key fact: the sharks in this movie have only one thing on their mind and that is eating things. Even after being flung through the air the only thing the sharks want to do when they suddenly find themselves on a boat deck is chomp down on the nearest living creature. In a way you have to admire that purity of will and desire. It would be like if a human decided they just absolutely must perform a calisthenics routine in the middle of a burning building filled with rabid bears that are also on fire. Sure the person will end up mauled, burned and five types of dead but the idea that they would stop to do that even knowing it would kill them is just.....psycho is a better term. The sharks are psychos. Let's just go with that.
The Hurricane That Doesn't Know It Is A Hurricane
Now we get introduced to our plucky band of heroes. They are who I'll call Not Michael Rapaport, Miss Exposition (because her character seems to exist for inducing this from everyone) and Australian Type #1 (this would be a surfer as Hollywood long ago decided that all Australians are either surfers (type #1 ) or Crocodile Dundee (type #2)).
They all work in a bar near the beach in Los Angeles. And we get to know them over an accident involving a shark attack while out surf-towing. This scene not only establishes a formula we'll see throughout the movie (poorly edited sequences with people reacting to shark bites interspersed with stock footage of sharks) but also gives us our first gratuitous running scene with Miss Exposition in a tank top (this happens more than it should).
After they retreat to the bar to conveniently forget one of them was just chomped on by a shark they are shocked to find a news report on TV talking about a hurricane that is right there right now. This leads to a shark crashing through a window into the bar, Miss Exposition killing the shark with a pool cue, a wave washing over said bar and a ferris wheel detaching then rolling down the street before it destroys a building.
Then the hurricane just goes away. We get a series of shots that clearly show nice blue skies behind the actors and they didn't even bother with fake rain. This will also be a recurring feature of the film. At times it seems they simply forget there is supposed to be a hurricane going on and don't even bother with the most rudimentary reminders that "hey, the hurricane is still there."
Street Sharks
A decision is made to go rescue Not Michael Rapaport's wife (Tara Reid) and kids because they live in a big house up in the hills and clearly are in great danger from the incredibly mild wind and generally non-existent rain.
But this allows us to encounter a recurring menace in the film: Street Sharks!
Yes, as they drive down the street in what looks to be about 6-9 inches of water (not even enough to get to the hubcaps on the vehicle some shots show) they are surrounded by sharks. Sharks that sport massive dorsal fins indicating large bodies in spite of being in water barely deep enough to reach the underbelly of a lowrider. As these sharks clearly defy the laws of physics I can only guess they have traveled into our dimension from a place who's own basic tenets of reality would explode our minds if we contemplated them.
Or at least that is what I would like to think. Wherever they come from the geometry defying street sharks are clearly to be reckoned with.
Oh and they are tiger sharks too. Miss Exposition notes this and when asked on her knowledge of things shark she notes she saw it recently on Shark Week. Can someone say tie in? Get on this Discovery Channel.
Manhole Shark
They get to the house of Tara Reid and find that it is threatened by poorly rendered rain that is clearly only falling right in front of the camera. As the house is on a well drained hillside it is decided that it is in immediate danger.
Then the manholes explode with sharks flying out of them. No one in the movie even seems to really stop and marvel at what they just saw.
I repeat: manholes exploded in the street and sharks flew up out of them into the air. If I saw that I'd convert into all the religions right then. I'd also make terms with the end of human dominance on Earth because no large mammal could hope to survive on a planet shared with something as awesomely menacing as manhole sharks.
But they have other things to do like go into Tara Reid's house to argue over leaving. You see Tara is in there with her daughter (it seems Not Michael Rapaport is the dad) who strangely looks only a few years younger than her. While this goes on the house that is clearly on a hill somehow floods with calm standing water. And of course there are sharks in it.
Gratuitous Stock Footage Use
This leads to the most insane use of the stock footage/reaction shot scene in the whole movie. Because while they are obviously in a house with sharks attacking them the stock footage is just as obviously out in the open ocean. In a smarter movie I'd say this was an attempt at contemplation over the juxtaposition of an ocean going beast into an urban environment. But because this is Sharknado I'm just going to assume they let the intern edit this scene because F**K you. That's why.
Ghost Shark
Then we get a promo for the next shark movie. This one about a shark that is a ghost that can manifest in any bit of standing water. This leads to a bikini clad woman being sucked into a small bucket of water at a car wash while a cloud of blood gore explodes. Is Roger Corman still alive? If he is that scene would make him weep at his own inadequacy. Not even in a team up with George Romero could such a beautiful synthesis of sexual exploitation and gore-a-rama come to be.
Slasher Flick The Shark
As they try to leave the mysteriously flooded hill house the new man in Tara Reid's life, Disposable Man, is offed by a shark that just straight up appears from behind a door like it is the axe wielding madman in a slasher flick.
With Tara Reid and daughter now in tow they go outside and steal an awesome Hummer with help from Australian Type #1. While driving it they come across a bus full of kids that somehow ended up down in a wash. They decide to stop and rescue them because the bus is surrounded by water slightly more than ankle deep and that means lots of street sharks.
The School Bus Of Forgotten Children
This is interesting because no one else in the city seems to give a crap that there is an entire school bus full of kids down in this wash. Maybe the people are just sick and tired of school buses ending up down there as this is an ongoing problem? Maybe the film production just didn't bother to close down the street leading to this bizarre sequence where a group of five people endeavor to save a school bus while everyone else just drives by looking annoyed.
This rescue will be done by rope since that just happened to be on hand. I mean who doesn't have an emergency rappelling kit on them? I know I keep mine next to my emergency scuba kit and my emergency parachute kit.
Cliffhanger + Shark
The rescue of the kids the-rest-of-the-city-doesn't-care-about goes well enough. Everyone is hauled up the rope until only Not Michael Rapaport remains. Then as he ambles up the rope one of the street sharks decides it would be a nice time to make use of its ability to defy physics and leap up onto the rope.
Yes the shark leaps up and tangles itself in the rope in order to try and climb up and eat Not Michael Rapaport. Incredibly that isn't the stupidest thing that happens in this movie.
We'll Just CGI That In Later.....oops
As a rope breakage saves them from the rope climbing shark they find themselves relaxing on the street above. Then a tornado (yes this is the point in the film where the hurricane is completely forgotten about and now three tornadoes tear up the city) breaks up the Hollywood sign. The bits of debris from it shoot down at our plucky band of heroes who gracefully dodge them. Except for the one time they dodge and nothing is there. Because they forgot to cgi it in.
Shark On The Roof
Then they drive away. And find themselves wondering why the roof of the awesome hummer is making weird noises. It turns out there is a shark on the roof! Well some shotgun action takes care of that.
Los Angeles Has No Time For Disasters
At this point they get chased by a police officer who apparently is unaware of the disaster unfolding all around. In fact this scene underscores the fact that all throughout the movie no one outside our band of plucky heroes seems disturbed. It's like the whole city just decided that a hurricane, sharks and tornadoes just weren't enough to excited over.
We Must Stand And Fight The Tornadoes!
The heroes finally get to the airport where Not Michael Rapaport's son is hiding out. This leads them to make an astounding decision.
You see a lot of movies have been made that feature deadly tornadoes. But in none of them has anyone ever decided to fight back against the tornadoes. That's because those movies weren't Sharknado.
How to fight them? Well as Australian Type #1 explains tornadoes form where warm air meets cold air. So they plan to make bombs out of propane canisters. How will this work? F**K You! That's how.
How will they deliver them? By helicopter of course? Is it a good idea to fly bombs in proximity to a tornado? F**k you! This is Sharknado and we have no time for such logic.
For some reason it is decided that Miss Exposition should accompany Matt the too old son as he flies the bombs into the three tornadoes terrorizing the seven odd people in the city that seem to notice. This of course allows for exposition to happen in the helicopter right at the end of the movie when it is most convenient and we aren't in any way just hoping the whole thing will end soon.
So with some dodgy cgi helicopter and tornado scenes we get to see the propane bombs somehow extinguish the tornadoes. This leaves them with the problem of lots of sharks suddenly falling from the sky.
This Is My Chainsaw!
And this allows for Not Michael Rapaport to use his Chekov's chainsaw that he had been lugging around for no apparent reason. As a giant great white shark descends from the sky he rips that chainsaw to life and leaps up into its mouth......yes you read that right. He jumps into the shark chainsaw first.
Because why not? This allows him to cut his way out the other side. And what more fitting end to this movie could there be than someone forcing themselves out of the digestive tract of a massive creature with the help of a chainsaw.
So that was Sharknado. I can confidently say it is the best movie about sharks in tornadoes I've ever seen. Get on that cross over project Discover Channel. I'm pretty sure at least half the actors in this need more work.
Funny as Hell.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind pointing out a couple minor typos.
"but the idea that they would stop to do that even know[ing] it would kill them is just.....psycho"
"And find themselves wondering they[why] the roof of the awesome hummer is making weird noises."
Still better than Prometheus.
ReplyDelete