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Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Alternate "Desolation Of Smaug" Prologue

INT: THE PRANCING PONY
The pub looks just like it will sixty years later. Only strangely clearer. Like there is somehow more visual information. This might be sorcery. Also that black cat with green eyes is there.

GANDALF: Hey, Thorin, you need to unite the Dwarf armies to fight this growing dark power in Mirkwood.

THORIN: Shouldn't the elves be on top of that?

GANDALF: Nah, they are too busy admiring their pretty faces and lamenting the loss of Gondolin. They can be really needy sometimes. Also racist.

THORIN: Well it matters not. The dwarves will not unite their forces unless someone has this very particular shiny stone.

GANDALF: Why? Are dwarves like cats or something?

THORIN: We just.....really like that Arkenstone. I mean we had a Mithril backed economic system which also wasn't too smart when we ran out of places to mine it. Stupid Durin's Bane.

GANDALF: What if we could get the Arkenstone?

THORIN: Why is this so important to you?

GANDALF: It is vital the dwarves reunite into a vast army so that when the growing dark power in Dol Guldur is revealed to be Sauron they can sit around not doing a whole lot while a giant war wages during which loads of men and elves die.

THORIN: That.....sounds like terrible strategic level thinking.

GANDALF: Also you'll be rich again.

THORIN: That I can get behind. I hate being poor. Do you have any idea how much shampoo and conditioner I go through?

GANDALF: Good. So here is what I have in mind. We go and find a hobbit. He won't want to come along. But we'll convince him. He'll do a lot of whining the whole time. Then when we get to Erebor we send him in alone to wake up Smaug, antagonize him, then run out of there without the Arkenstone. At that point the dwarf party we put together rushes in to ineffectively try to kill Smaug which only pisses him off. Then Smaug goes off and kills lots of people in the town of Esgaroth before one of the town's inhabitants kills him by piercing a tiny hole in his armored scales (a bit of information we don't actually have at this point) with the only black arrow still around (which we also don't know exists yet).

THORIN: Um.....what?

GANDALF: Then, of course, everyone will fight over the spoils. There will be lots of orcs.

THORIN: This is why wizards don't get to be generals.


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