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Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Alternate "Desolation Of Smaug" Prologue

The pub looks just like it will sixty years later. Only strangely clearer. Like there is somehow more visual information. This might be sorcery. Also that black cat with green eyes is there.

GANDALF: Hey, Thorin, you need to unite the Dwarf armies to fight this growing dark power in Mirkwood.

THORIN: Shouldn't the elves be on top of that?

GANDALF: Nah, they are too busy admiring their pretty faces and lamenting the loss of Gondolin. They can be really needy sometimes. Also racist.

THORIN: Well it matters not. The dwarves will not unite their forces unless someone has this very particular shiny stone.

GANDALF: Why? Are dwarves like cats or something?

THORIN: We just.....really like that Arkenstone. I mean we had a Mithril backed economic system which also wasn't too smart when we ran out of places to mine it. Stupid Durin's Bane.

GANDALF: What if we could get the Arkenstone?

THORIN: Why is this so important to you?

GANDALF: It is vital the dwarves reunite into a vast army so that when the growing dark power in Dol Guldur is revealed to be Sauron they can sit around not doing a whole lot while a giant war wages during which loads of men and elves die.

THORIN: That.....sounds like terrible strategic level thinking.

GANDALF: Also you'll be rich again.

THORIN: That I can get behind. I hate being poor. Do you have any idea how much shampoo and conditioner I go through?

GANDALF: Good. So here is what I have in mind. We go and find a hobbit. He won't want to come along. But we'll convince him. He'll do a lot of whining the whole time. Then when we get to Erebor we send him in alone to wake up Smaug, antagonize him, then run out of there without the Arkenstone. At that point the dwarf party we put together rushes in to ineffectively try to kill Smaug which only pisses him off. Then Smaug goes off and kills lots of people in the town of Esgaroth before one of the town's inhabitants kills him by piercing a tiny hole in his armored scales (a bit of information we don't actually have at this point) with the only black arrow still around (which we also don't know exists yet).

THORIN: Um.....what?

GANDALF: Then, of course, everyone will fight over the spoils. There will be lots of orcs.

THORIN: This is why wizards don't get to be generals.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Tea Party Review Of "It's A Wonderful Life"

It's A Wonderful Life is the ironically titled tragedy film directed by Frank Capra. In the film all efforts fail to dissuade the villain, George Bailey, from renouncing a life of coddling the week, empowering the lazy and subsidizing the parasite class.

The film tries to make us sympathize with the villain by showing us his upbringing. It hints that just because he stopped a pharmacist from poisoning a child and pulled his brother out of a frozen pond that we shouldn't see his communist lies for what they are.

The film reveals the true hero about half way in. His name is Potter and he understands what true values are: make money, keep the money, make sure no one else has any of the money. He rightly argues against George Bailey and his notions that the poor deserve low interest loans so they can open businesses or buy homes. Potter knows how the undeserving underclass are put in their place to be used and abused by those gifted by chance of birth with untold riches. And he understands how it is the duty of the accidentally wealthy to use their power to ruthlessly acquire what little money the poor do have.

But this film presents the lie that God would actually side with George. That a Christian God would definitely want to help someone that isn't using all their efforts to appropriate the property of their neighbors and townsfolk. This blatantly ignores Bible verses like.....um......it's somewhere in Leviticus I think.

Oh, that is that part of the Bible supposed to just be for Jews? But that is also the book that tells me to hate homosexuals! And that women are chattel....I may have gotten off point here.

Anyways in my corner are the esteemed minds of the FBI. In a memo from May 26, 1947 the FBI correctly notes:

the film represented rather obvious attempts to discredit bankers by casting Lionel Barrymore as a 'scrooge-type' so that he would be the most hated man in the picture. This, according to these sources, is a common trick used by Communists.

See! Even they sort of get it. They don't totally get it because they seem to malign Ebeneezer Scrooge was also an awesome character that stood up to the "taker" class until his ghost visions drove him to madness and started helping other people. As if there were any lessons n Christian mythology that implore us to help those in need.

So don't fall for the Hollywood lies! Boo this film. Repeal Obamacare. Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Does The Right Wing Hate Catholicism But Love Their Embassy?

A long time ago I was given some good advice by a wandering gypsy...or a very hirsute postal worker...it was one of the two. Look, the important thing was this person existed...maybe, and did talk to me...perhaps.

Anyways this perhaps not real person of unknown providence imparted to me the following:

1) Get rick quick schemes involving yak fur are scams
2) Never shoot off a gun while inside an air lock
3) Blood covered clowns who speak with the voice of screaming children are terrible cat sitters
4) Detergent can effectively neutralize the Ebola virus
5) Never try to convince selfish people into parting with their money