Rake Erector
Let's face it, rakes are hard. They are enigmas wrapped in riddles hidden away in the vacuous space that should contain Michele Bachman's brain. Rakes are complicated. They require you to have at least one functioning hand, a tiny bit of coordination and at least a reptilian level nervous system . Hardly anyone has all that anymore. So that's where this wonderful invention comes in: it will raise and lower a rake to your hands from its holding position thus eliminating one of the most problematic actions in rake wrangling. You are still going to count on yourself to not spontaneously gouge your eyes out with the metal tines but that is why you wear goggles everywhere you go. That and preventing new yogurt related injuries.
Safety Sprinkler
If rakes are hard to use then anything to do with watering your yard is essentially like building the Large Hadron Collider. I mean who can even handle the complex nonsense that is a garden hose? After all you can trip over a hose, you can accidentally knock things over with them, you can't ever wind them back up into loops and who hasn't inadvertently strangled a pet with one? And hoses are just rubber tubes while most sprinklers are plastic! That makes them at least four times as dangerous. To counter this water spewing danger there is a plasticine face guard, proximity sensor, foam padding and a camera....because why not?
Scissor Proxy
If humans can't handle hoses or rakes then what business do we have trying to wield an implement who's sole purpose is cutting things in twain? Clearly none. Which is why we have a new option for you! Yes it is a mechanical hand to operate those terror weapons known as scissors. You simply operate the fake hand with the easy to use touchscreen interface to get it to do all that perilous cutting work while your real hands sit safely several feet behind.
*NOTE* Scissor Proxy is not intended to be used to assist in any "scissor position" carnal exploits. Though we won't turn away videos of anyone attempting to do so.
Nose Vacuum
Extricating mucous from one's nose is perhaps the most perilous mucous related activity you will engage in over the course of any given day. There is no end of the number of injuries that could result from doing anything with your hands near your own face. After all your own hands somehow killed your dog with a garden hose how can you possibly think you can bring them close to your sensitive eyes without accidentally doing a corneaectomy with tissues? Well fear no longer for we now have a machine that will take over this vital but incredibly dangerous task. Basically it just sucks mucous out and deposits it in a small container for messy and frustrating attempts at disposal.
Wear-A-Bed
First they made blankets you can wear, then they made towels you can wear, then they made pillows shaped like a man sawn into thirds. Now we figure the next logical progression is to create an entire bed you can just wear. It isn't fancy but the person who would wear this likely just sleeps on a stain covered mattress on the floor without sheets, blankets and bundles of discarded diapers for a pillow. The Wear-A-Bed pillows not only are not diapers but they are actually sewn to the mattress so you can't misplace them or accidentally use them to smother more indolent homeless men. Using Wear-A-Bed is easy, you just slide through the slot on the back as if you are attempting reverse birth, fit your appendages into the cloth covered pockets attached to the suspension system and start crying incessantly before you enter a full blown Freud fugue state.
Metal In A Can
Since rubber in a can has proven so successful and meeting our many liquid rubber needs around the house this product gives us another much needed raw material in spray can form. It is simple to operate, you simply activate the included mini-electric arc furnace by plugging it into an available 440v outlet, letting it set for an hour, don a protective suit and spray molten metal onto things that need it.
*NOTE* While the TV advertisement for this product shows a man playfully spraying his kids with molten metal it is the opinion of our legal department that doing so will often result in your children dying. We're pretty sure the guy we hired to be in the commercial was a serial killer.
Hand Sanitizer Container Sanitizer
Liquid pump hand sanitizers are ubiquitous in the modern home and workplace. Nothing says "my coworkers are filthy pathogen whore houses" better than hitting your hands with lemon scented antiseptic a dozen times a day or however often it is the creepy guy with the job description no one understands decides to shake your hand for no reason whatsoever. But what if just touching your own sanitizer pump makes it all for naught? Well that's why we now supply a line of sanitizer pump sanitizers. And if you worry that the pump sanitizer container might be infected we have a whole line of products that will moebius strip right around until you are using the original hand sanitizer pump that scared you in the first place.
Let's face it, rakes are hard. They are enigmas wrapped in riddles hidden away in the vacuous space that should contain Michele Bachman's brain. Rakes are complicated. They require you to have at least one functioning hand, a tiny bit of coordination and at least a reptilian level nervous system . Hardly anyone has all that anymore. So that's where this wonderful invention comes in: it will raise and lower a rake to your hands from its holding position thus eliminating one of the most problematic actions in rake wrangling. You are still going to count on yourself to not spontaneously gouge your eyes out with the metal tines but that is why you wear goggles everywhere you go. That and preventing new yogurt related injuries.
Safety Sprinkler
If rakes are hard to use then anything to do with watering your yard is essentially like building the Large Hadron Collider. I mean who can even handle the complex nonsense that is a garden hose? After all you can trip over a hose, you can accidentally knock things over with them, you can't ever wind them back up into loops and who hasn't inadvertently strangled a pet with one? And hoses are just rubber tubes while most sprinklers are plastic! That makes them at least four times as dangerous. To counter this water spewing danger there is a plasticine face guard, proximity sensor, foam padding and a camera....because why not?
Scissor Proxy
If humans can't handle hoses or rakes then what business do we have trying to wield an implement who's sole purpose is cutting things in twain? Clearly none. Which is why we have a new option for you! Yes it is a mechanical hand to operate those terror weapons known as scissors. You simply operate the fake hand with the easy to use touchscreen interface to get it to do all that perilous cutting work while your real hands sit safely several feet behind.
*NOTE* Scissor Proxy is not intended to be used to assist in any "scissor position" carnal exploits. Though we won't turn away videos of anyone attempting to do so.
Nose Vacuum
Extricating mucous from one's nose is perhaps the most perilous mucous related activity you will engage in over the course of any given day. There is no end of the number of injuries that could result from doing anything with your hands near your own face. After all your own hands somehow killed your dog with a garden hose how can you possibly think you can bring them close to your sensitive eyes without accidentally doing a corneaectomy with tissues? Well fear no longer for we now have a machine that will take over this vital but incredibly dangerous task. Basically it just sucks mucous out and deposits it in a small container for messy and frustrating attempts at disposal.
Wear-A-Bed
First they made blankets you can wear, then they made towels you can wear, then they made pillows shaped like a man sawn into thirds. Now we figure the next logical progression is to create an entire bed you can just wear. It isn't fancy but the person who would wear this likely just sleeps on a stain covered mattress on the floor without sheets, blankets and bundles of discarded diapers for a pillow. The Wear-A-Bed pillows not only are not diapers but they are actually sewn to the mattress so you can't misplace them or accidentally use them to smother more indolent homeless men. Using Wear-A-Bed is easy, you just slide through the slot on the back as if you are attempting reverse birth, fit your appendages into the cloth covered pockets attached to the suspension system and start crying incessantly before you enter a full blown Freud fugue state.
Metal In A Can
Since rubber in a can has proven so successful and meeting our many liquid rubber needs around the house this product gives us another much needed raw material in spray can form. It is simple to operate, you simply activate the included mini-electric arc furnace by plugging it into an available 440v outlet, letting it set for an hour, don a protective suit and spray molten metal onto things that need it.
*NOTE* While the TV advertisement for this product shows a man playfully spraying his kids with molten metal it is the opinion of our legal department that doing so will often result in your children dying. We're pretty sure the guy we hired to be in the commercial was a serial killer.
Hand Sanitizer Container Sanitizer
Liquid pump hand sanitizers are ubiquitous in the modern home and workplace. Nothing says "my coworkers are filthy pathogen whore houses" better than hitting your hands with lemon scented antiseptic a dozen times a day or however often it is the creepy guy with the job description no one understands decides to shake your hand for no reason whatsoever. But what if just touching your own sanitizer pump makes it all for naught? Well that's why we now supply a line of sanitizer pump sanitizers. And if you worry that the pump sanitizer container might be infected we have a whole line of products that will moebius strip right around until you are using the original hand sanitizer pump that scared you in the first place.
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