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Friday, February 22, 2013

Three Ridiculous Things That Got Turned Into Conspiracy Theories

I covered mainstream conspiracy theories in my previous post. Now I'd like to talk about some non-mainstream ones. These are conspiracy theories that exist mostly because the people that come up with them really just cannot stop themselves. Once they get on the kick it is apparently hard to stop. It's sort of like being a meth addict only without the glamor of being a strung out neurotic shell of a person with ruined teeth.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Ranking Conspiracy Theories

Do you know any conspiracy theorists?

You probably do even if you don't realize it. They are like a cockroach to the human condition. Undying, often unseen and always so filthy and disgusting.

Which is why I love to mock them. Here I rank some popular conspiracy theories and explain why they are flipping nuts.

Apollo Hoax

What the Conspiracy Theorists believe

Essentially that we didn't really go to the Moon. Sometimes coupled with the idea that maybe the Nazis really did go to the moon and that is why we can't go there now. Another faction think there are aliens up there and that is the reason we can't go there.

The proponents of this idea like to point out discrepancies in photographs and claim it is evidence of fakery. These oddities include the lack of stars in said pictures, a lack of a blast crater under the lander and shadows that are not parallel.

Outside of that all they really have is lots of wild ass speculation.

Oh, they sent up a rocket. To Cleveland. Or something. 
As soon as my update to Wikipedia goes through, this will be canon. 
Which is also a type of ballistic. 

Why it is crazy

Well almost all of this comes down to the fact that conspiracy theorists tend to know very little about anything.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Why I should be the new Pope

We need a new pope. Well really we don't. I'm pretty sure the Earth continues on with or without one. But because there will be a new one, needed or not, I hereby throw my hat into the ring for this position.

Sure, I understand there are a few problems with me becoming Pope Innocent XIV. Not the least of which is that I am not Catholic (baptized Mormon) and will be far from innocent. But Pope Innocent VIII had a whole slew of people tortured to death for no reason whatsoever. I assure you I would be much more innocent than that. Granted that isn't exactly a high bar in terms of ethics. But if we can look at Pol Pot and go "at least he wasn't Hitler" there will always be room for some measure of equivalency. After all Pol Pot wasn't Hitler. He was still, however, a genocidal monster. But enough about that.

So, why should the Catholic church make me the infallible link to God?

Reason #1: Awesome new Cardinals

Possum habett cazeumque burgensi?

We need new vigor in the ranks of the Cardinals.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Welcome to my Utopia!

Now that America has become a socialist dystopia where you can no longer dump your industrial waste in rivers, work children to death in coal mines or lace your patent medicine with lots of arsenic there is the need now more than ever for a safe abode for "True Patriotic Americans" to live out the ideals of freedom and liberty the founding fathers bestowed upon us.

And so I now lay out my plans for The Democratic Paradise of Freedom and Tolerance hereafter referred to as the DPFT.

I'm interested in this idea, Owen Astrakhan, but where will it be located?

In Idaho right between the white power compound, Aryanville, and the new Christian militia Bible law community, Leviticusberg.