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Sunday, February 2, 2014

The people that populate your facebook feed

We all do facebook. Even if we don't want to we do it for fear of being branded witches if we abstain. And that means we all have that news feed. And within that feed are a distinct population of individuals. These are those people.

My Pet Is So Interesting
Yes, pets are nice. But this person decides that everything their pet does is worthy of documentation and sharing. Is Bobo drinking out of the toilet bowl again? Well get a pic of that and get it on your timeline like right now!

Every Excruciating Detail Of Normal Activity

Have you ever put together a new book shelf? Or moved your couch to the other side of the room? Of course. But this person documents the entire process with pictures and then posts them creating the kind of blow by blow narrative normally reserved for NASA missions to Mars.

Pot Enthusiast

Ah yes. This is the person that seems to spend all their time resharing any article anywhere that proves their long held theory that cannabis is the end all and cure all of all possible problems and distress. This person often eventually turns highly religious then does the same thing but with Bible quotes.

Hates The Facebook Feed

This person posts remarks on how much they hate facebook and how it works. Strangely they often post every single day.


This person has all their posts relate to a business they own or run. Want to see five pics of the awesome new knife set you can have for only $40? Well too late!


This person inundates you with vague, vapid, inane platitudes of hope and inspiration. Most are simple text on solid color background jpegs.

I Have A Baby

This person just had a baby. There is no way to not know this as they haven't posted about anything other than the baby since it was born.


Posts many gibberish time the drunk or damage brain shlickl/.

Political Binge

This person stays silent for a week then suddenly drowns you with dozens of posts all on politics.

Oddly Specific Issue

This is a person that posts incessantly on one particular issue no one usually cares about. Is the banana tariff on El Salvador unfair? Possibly. Do posts on it need to be in your facebook feed every day? Doubtful.


This person stays silent for so long you forget they are on your friends list before popping back into existence with daily postings like they were never gone.

Mystery Interloper

This is the person that you don't remember friending (and yet is on your friends list) that suddenly drops comments on all your posts especially ones on important life events. Their advice is usually worse than useless and may just be a string of plagiarized Zach Galifianakis quotes.

Everyone Wants To Know What I Ate

This person had pan friend trout for dinner. And there is a pic to prove it. They had steamed squash for lunch. There was a pic of that too. Just be thankful this person doesn't document the expulsion of all this food after digestion with the same diligence.

On The Scene Of History

Sometimes people are actually in the middle of something huge and important (like a revolt against a government or a natural disaster). And they are posting about it. These are the posts that make all other facebook feed peeves worth enduring.


Of course I'm there. And my posts are all special and above criticism.

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