In The Hunt For The Last Great Cryptid

"Don't step in it. That is fresh dung!"

I knew that Bobo was probably right. He had been collecting what he thought was the creature's droppings since the 1980's. With my foot now planted next to, instead of on, the specimen we all gathered around to inspect it right there on the path.

"What do you suppose causes the coloration?" Cliff posed to no one in particular while bending over.

"Might be french fries," was the speculation that Ranae offered while pushing her glasses back up the prow of her nose into position.

"I tells you that is its dung!" Bobo was pretty insistent. He had already pulled out a plastic container to collect the specimen. I couldn't quite figure out where he had it stashed for our walk in.

"If it is then it can't be too far away." Cliff said causing me to look around nervously along with everyone else.

"I'm gonna see if it responds to some knocks and yells," Bobo announced and before anyone could protest he had already pulled out a pizza box and dropped it. We all looked around. Nothing. "Faaaawwwxxx Nuuuuueeeewwwsss!" He yelled out once. Then again when nothing responded.

Nothing.

"Naaaasssssskkkkhaaaarrrr!" Now Matt had joined in.

"Would you all shut the hell up you lunatics!" That voice came down from a woman yelling from her third floor apartment. We might have protested but just around then a group of drunken college students rounded the corner and we knew the scene was now compromised.

Another night on the prowl for our elusive prey. Another failure. 

For some people there is Bigfoot. For others there is the monster of Loch Ness or the Bunyip. Some even still try to trap the Orang Pendek.

Me though? I'm trying to locate the infamous Sheeple.

Four Fictional Places It Would Suck To Live In

Sometimes things can be disillusioning. Sometimes these things are small (like figuring out octagon fighting is boring) sometimes they are big (like finding out Tolkien was actually a cyborg sent from the future to establish an elaborate cryptogram in the guise of some novels that leads to a cure for a disease that hasn't yet mutated into existence). This is about fictitious geographic disillusionment. More precisely four places that seem like they would be cool places to live until you start to think about it.

#4  Shermer, Illinois (the John Hughes Universe)

TV Advertising Conventions That Bug Me

Trucks make you masculine

Who uses trucks? Don't answer that. I live in a rural area so I know the kinds of people use trucks: all kinds of people. Yet trucks are invariably marketed to men. And they are marketed in a rather condescending fashion. You have gravelly voiced guy, former football star, more gravelly voiced guys, Dennis Leary's voice and Mike Rowe......okay I'll hand them that Mike Rowe is probably the best, if most unconventional, choice there.

But all those choices are decidedly supposed to appeal to men or, more exactly, to a supposed basal desire of men to always be hyper masculine. Which is strange because, when you get down to it, a truck is a practical thing that is useful in practical ways so why is there a need to connect it to masculinity at all? But that seems to be a trend that things that are actually useful to men get advertised as being part of what makes men masculine. Wrenches? Useful and always advertised in the context of men being masculine. Like building a kick ass man cave where you can mainline the NFL Network straight into your veins or tightening a bolt on a snowmobile covered with running chainsaws. Decidedly missing is the more likely use of a wrench such as making sure a bracket for a flower box doesn't come undone. Oh and apparently these wrenches are made out of female kryptonite seeing as how you never see a woman using one in any of the commercials. I guess they're all too busy being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or something.

An attempt at sex texting ruined by autocorrect

Hey there baby

>Hey there yourself

You know how much you turn me on?

>Oh and you turn me on too

I so want to kick your puppy

Hanging with spokesmen would be weird

Ted was relieved to see a friendly face as he walked in the door. Sarah's striking red hair was so vibrant as always.

"Goodness Ted you look beat!?" She said after scanning him up and down with her eyes.

"Today was not good. They are letting me go and my mom needs to be put in a home....and I don't really know how to break that to her." He sat down on the couch and sort of slumped into the cushions as if gravity was extra powerful today.

"Well you know Ted we could always go to Wendy's!"

Ted blinked in confusion.

On What We Value As A "Right"

Somewhere in "Real America" we get a demonstration that America totally has its values on what is a "right" and a "privilege" completely straight and correct.

We start in a DMV.
DMV Worker: Hi there sir. How can I help you? Wait. Are you foaming at the mouth?

Random Twitching Dude: I need the plastic card that allows me to operate the vehicles and become the hammer of the Army Of Light and fix the tainted ones with a vehicle of death and judgement.

DMV Worker: Yeah......we aren't even going to give you the written test.

The Fall 2013 TV lineup

Ever get the feeling that everything has already been done? Ever get the feeling that feeling that way has already happened? Ever think that considering that it may have already happened that you felt that way about everything already having been done might just classify you as a borderline neurotic? No?

Awesome! TV executives are going to love you!

Here's your Fall 2013 lineup!



Apocalypse Next!
--H2 Wednesdays 8:00PM
The Mayan apocalypse might have been a dud but that doesn't mean we can't find more dates to get emotionally disturbed people all in a fuss over! The best minds from Ancient Aliens (I presume it is the sound editor and archival footage researcher) travel the world looking for new end dates. Did the Hittites have a calendar? If so when did it end? Does the artwork of the Moche include Morse Code for a date in 2131? Is it beyond stupid to think that they knew about Morse Code several thousand years before it was invented?

NCIS: Fallon
--CBS Fridays 9:00PM
Abby has been reassigned to Naval Air Station Fallon, Nevada (no I am not making that up. There is a naval base in Nevada. It has a Wikipedia page and everything) and must solve the pressing mysteries of the area including: who put the dent in the guard truck and do scorpions really fry on car batteries? Will she succumb to the charms of the cocky fighter jock Luke or just use him in an experiment?