Ever get the feeling that everything has already been done? Ever get the feeling that feeling that way has already happened? Ever think that considering that it may have already happened that you felt that way about everything already having been done might just classify you as a borderline neurotic? No?
Awesome! TV executives are going to love you!
Here's your Fall 2013 lineup!
Apocalypse Next!
--H2 Wednesdays 8:00PM
The Mayan apocalypse might have been a dud but that doesn't mean we can't find more dates to get emotionally disturbed people all in a fuss over! The best minds from Ancient Aliens (I presume it is the sound editor and archival footage researcher) travel the world looking for new end dates. Did the Hittites have a calendar? If so when did it end? Does the artwork of the Moche include Morse Code for a date in 2131? Is it beyond stupid to think that they knew about Morse Code several thousand years before it was invented?
NCIS: Fallon
--CBS Fridays 9:00PM
Abby has been reassigned to Naval Air Station Fallon, Nevada (no I am not making that up. There is a naval base in Nevada. It has a Wikipedia page and everything) and must solve the pressing mysteries of the area including: who put the dent in the guard truck and do scorpions really fry on car batteries? Will she succumb to the charms of the cocky fighter jock Luke or just use him in an experiment?
Bi-Confusing
--Cinemax Mondays 11:00PM
A split screen show where hot people wearing practically nothing describe in detail their ways of pleasuring themselves while watching montages (shown continuously in the other screen) of hot people of the opposite sex. Designed to make all but the most sexually secure feel uncomfortable.
Sniping Family
--NBC Mondays 8:30PM
This is about a family of actual snipers who are also really good at sniping jokes about each others eccentric proclivities. Will their neighbor Wilbur ever catch on to their real jobs? Will Stacy eliminate the drug cartel and still get her cake into the bake off?
Vatican Place
--NBC Tuesdays 8:00PM
The new Pope, Peter II, has a lot on his table. Including running the whole church, trying to prevent the end of everything not to mention his zany brother and his endless supply of get rich quick schemes. There is also the tourist family he just can't quite evict from the grounds and a closet that contains muppets that might only exist in his mind.
Lime Load
--History Channel Tuesdays 7:00PM
This is a show about the rugged guys and one hot woman that haul concrete from the batch plant to the work site. In this first episode Pauly gets stuck in traffic and is afraid his load will “go off” while Nina discovers her clutch might be bad. Did they forget the mesh fibers for the hospital's foundation? Suspense!
Fred: Firefighter, Doctor ,Cop and Dad
--ABC Wednesdays 8:00PM
Plucky Fred is your usual guy that holds down three jobs while trying to raise his spunky teenage daughter, Carol, in a new city. In the pilot episode he tries to date the snarky nurse, has a near meltdown from working 76 hours straight, blames things on Obama, shoots a black kid on the subway and joins the new ultra-revolutionary We've-Got-Lots-Of-Guns-And-We-Are-Pissed-Off political party. Carol dates a hippie. The hippie gets murdered.
There Goes Bunny Boopkins!
--TLC Thursdays 7:00PM
Is it wrong to pit a diabetic 8 year old girl against a crazed homeless person over a jug of energy drink inside a ring of mud and manure? Probably. But people will watch it nonetheless.
Horrible Crap You Wish You Didn't Know About
--Current TV Fridays 8:00PM
Documentarian Mariana Van Zeller of Vanguard fame takes you all over the world revealing incredibly horrible crap you really wish you didn't know about. Keep your vomit buckets ready as you learn all about what happens to unwanted newborns in Thailand and just what is it that the Chinese are now putting into our plastic products instead of lead? You don't want to know but Current TV is determined to scare the piss out of you anyways!
Doomsday Gunners
--Natgeo Fridays 9:00PM
These folks think an apocalypse is right around the corner but don't want to spend much time doing the "prepping" thing of outfitting a bunker for all eventualities. So they just use their supply of weapons to steal from those that do.
Forgetting Electricity
--TLC Mondays 8:00PM
After the Tea Party takes over Oklahoma politics, and outlaws science, this reality show follows the modern day “Okies” journey into a new diaspora after the state descends into anarchy. The first episode also shows the effect of their new “Lynching is okay” policy as well as some witch burnings in Tulsa.
Loud Fat Guy's Family
--Fox Sundays 7:30PM
Another Seth MacFarlane animated hit follows fat and loud guy Robert, his hot wife, dysfunctional children and a talking lamp as they explore modern suburban living, idiosyncratic pop culture references and their hatred of Republicans in Denver. Seth does 70% of all the voices!
That Conspiracy Was Right!
--TruTV Tuesdays 7:30PM
A live blog where conspiracy theorists congratulate themselves on averting the latest plot by the reptillian-alien-Jewish-banker-trans-dimensional-fear-demons by getting the word out via poorly constructed, narrative lacking Youtube videos. You only still have your DNA because they warned everyone! Or so they say.
Weeddextifornication
--Showtime Saturdays 9:00PM
Can a successful writer, that murders other killers, keep his new marijuana grow-op under wraps while banging every attractive fertile woman in a thousand mile radius? We'll have to see! Showtime hopes this combination of proven success is ratings gold.
MDMA Life
--MTV Weeknights 7:00PM
This show follows college and high school students through their debauched orgies fueled by party drugs. The show then follows them around as they try to figure out where they caught their various STD's. Will Stephanie be able to find all sixty seven of her lovers before prom? We don't know but we sure want to find out!
Lava Spiders
--SyFy Tuesdays 8:00PM
Every week the lava spiders strike a new town. Will they ever be exterminated? Do the Super Ants know more than they let on? Will Mega Shark be able to solve humanities problem? Can the scientist's experiments with random brightly colored liquids reveal anything about their origin?
Spoiled, Good Looking Teenagers Boning
--CW Pretty much every night
How can teen model Gabby juggle her three dashing boyfriends and still party hardy? Will Mandy ever decide if she wants to have her villa built in France or in Brazil? Can Maxwell ever decide to settle down with one of the hotties he beds every week? Also they take their SAT's and one has AIDS or something.
Lindsay's Lines
E! Wednesdays 7:00PM
Lindsay Lohan has hit rock bottom and is now doing lines of cocaine while reading lines from unproduced spec scripts that have been run through Babelfish until they are unintelligible word salad.....while wearing practically nothing! This should go far.
Queer on the Runway
--Bravo Sundays 8:00PM
We're not sure but were guessing it's pretty gay and very well dressed.
Ghost Spies
--Fox Friday 8:00PM
This troop of spies uses their connection to the world of the dead to learn the secrets others wish to keep. And sometimes to spy on the hot girl next door.
Law & Order: CSI
--network broadcaster to be determined by lawsuit
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are the stories of how cases are thrown out of court when it's revealed the arrests were made based largely on computer renderings created by lab technicians (that look way too hot to be scientists) of what things might have looked like if they were reflected off an eyeball of a bystander witnessing the crime.
Awesome! TV executives are going to love you!
Here's your Fall 2013 lineup!
Apocalypse Next!
--H2 Wednesdays 8:00PM
The Mayan apocalypse might have been a dud but that doesn't mean we can't find more dates to get emotionally disturbed people all in a fuss over! The best minds from Ancient Aliens (I presume it is the sound editor and archival footage researcher) travel the world looking for new end dates. Did the Hittites have a calendar? If so when did it end? Does the artwork of the Moche include Morse Code for a date in 2131? Is it beyond stupid to think that they knew about Morse Code several thousand years before it was invented?
NCIS: Fallon
--CBS Fridays 9:00PM
Abby has been reassigned to Naval Air Station Fallon, Nevada (no I am not making that up. There is a naval base in Nevada. It has a Wikipedia page and everything) and must solve the pressing mysteries of the area including: who put the dent in the guard truck and do scorpions really fry on car batteries? Will she succumb to the charms of the cocky fighter jock Luke or just use him in an experiment?
Bi-Confusing
--Cinemax Mondays 11:00PM
A split screen show where hot people wearing practically nothing describe in detail their ways of pleasuring themselves while watching montages (shown continuously in the other screen) of hot people of the opposite sex. Designed to make all but the most sexually secure feel uncomfortable.
Sniping Family
--NBC Mondays 8:30PM
This is about a family of actual snipers who are also really good at sniping jokes about each others eccentric proclivities. Will their neighbor Wilbur ever catch on to their real jobs? Will Stacy eliminate the drug cartel and still get her cake into the bake off?
Vatican Place
--NBC Tuesdays 8:00PM
The new Pope, Peter II, has a lot on his table. Including running the whole church, trying to prevent the end of everything not to mention his zany brother and his endless supply of get rich quick schemes. There is also the tourist family he just can't quite evict from the grounds and a closet that contains muppets that might only exist in his mind.
Lime Load
--History Channel Tuesdays 7:00PM
This is a show about the rugged guys and one hot woman that haul concrete from the batch plant to the work site. In this first episode Pauly gets stuck in traffic and is afraid his load will “go off” while Nina discovers her clutch might be bad. Did they forget the mesh fibers for the hospital's foundation? Suspense!
Fred: Firefighter, Doctor ,Cop and Dad
--ABC Wednesdays 8:00PM
Plucky Fred is your usual guy that holds down three jobs while trying to raise his spunky teenage daughter, Carol, in a new city. In the pilot episode he tries to date the snarky nurse, has a near meltdown from working 76 hours straight, blames things on Obama, shoots a black kid on the subway and joins the new ultra-revolutionary We've-Got-Lots-Of-Guns-And-We-Are-Pissed-Off political party. Carol dates a hippie. The hippie gets murdered.
There Goes Bunny Boopkins!
--TLC Thursdays 7:00PM
Is it wrong to pit a diabetic 8 year old girl against a crazed homeless person over a jug of energy drink inside a ring of mud and manure? Probably. But people will watch it nonetheless.
Horrible Crap You Wish You Didn't Know About
--Current TV Fridays 8:00PM
Documentarian Mariana Van Zeller of Vanguard fame takes you all over the world revealing incredibly horrible crap you really wish you didn't know about. Keep your vomit buckets ready as you learn all about what happens to unwanted newborns in Thailand and just what is it that the Chinese are now putting into our plastic products instead of lead? You don't want to know but Current TV is determined to scare the piss out of you anyways!
Doomsday Gunners
--Natgeo Fridays 9:00PM
These folks think an apocalypse is right around the corner but don't want to spend much time doing the "prepping" thing of outfitting a bunker for all eventualities. So they just use their supply of weapons to steal from those that do.
Forgetting Electricity
--TLC Mondays 8:00PM
After the Tea Party takes over Oklahoma politics, and outlaws science, this reality show follows the modern day “Okies” journey into a new diaspora after the state descends into anarchy. The first episode also shows the effect of their new “Lynching is okay” policy as well as some witch burnings in Tulsa.
Loud Fat Guy's Family
--Fox Sundays 7:30PM
Another Seth MacFarlane animated hit follows fat and loud guy Robert, his hot wife, dysfunctional children and a talking lamp as they explore modern suburban living, idiosyncratic pop culture references and their hatred of Republicans in Denver. Seth does 70% of all the voices!
That Conspiracy Was Right!
--TruTV Tuesdays 7:30PM
A live blog where conspiracy theorists congratulate themselves on averting the latest plot by the reptillian-alien-Jewish-banker-trans-dimensional-fear-demons by getting the word out via poorly constructed, narrative lacking Youtube videos. You only still have your DNA because they warned everyone! Or so they say.
Weeddextifornication
--Showtime Saturdays 9:00PM
Can a successful writer, that murders other killers, keep his new marijuana grow-op under wraps while banging every attractive fertile woman in a thousand mile radius? We'll have to see! Showtime hopes this combination of proven success is ratings gold.
MDMA Life
--MTV Weeknights 7:00PM
This show follows college and high school students through their debauched orgies fueled by party drugs. The show then follows them around as they try to figure out where they caught their various STD's. Will Stephanie be able to find all sixty seven of her lovers before prom? We don't know but we sure want to find out!
Lava Spiders
--SyFy Tuesdays 8:00PM
Every week the lava spiders strike a new town. Will they ever be exterminated? Do the Super Ants know more than they let on? Will Mega Shark be able to solve humanities problem? Can the scientist's experiments with random brightly colored liquids reveal anything about their origin?
Spoiled, Good Looking Teenagers Boning
--CW Pretty much every night
How can teen model Gabby juggle her three dashing boyfriends and still party hardy? Will Mandy ever decide if she wants to have her villa built in France or in Brazil? Can Maxwell ever decide to settle down with one of the hotties he beds every week? Also they take their SAT's and one has AIDS or something.
Lindsay's Lines
E! Wednesdays 7:00PM
Lindsay Lohan has hit rock bottom and is now doing lines of cocaine while reading lines from unproduced spec scripts that have been run through Babelfish until they are unintelligible word salad.....while wearing practically nothing! This should go far.
Queer on the Runway
--Bravo Sundays 8:00PM
We're not sure but were guessing it's pretty gay and very well dressed.
Ghost Spies
--Fox Friday 8:00PM
This troop of spies uses their connection to the world of the dead to learn the secrets others wish to keep. And sometimes to spy on the hot girl next door.
Law & Order: CSI
--network broadcaster to be determined by lawsuit
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are the stories of how cases are thrown out of court when it's revealed the arrests were made based largely on computer renderings created by lab technicians (that look way too hot to be scientists) of what things might have looked like if they were reflected off an eyeball of a bystander witnessing the crime.
I love Loud Fat Guy's Family.
ReplyDeleteDo you think there will be another season of The Real Housewives of Kabul or Swedish Chef's Kitchen Nightmares?
The only problem with The Real Housewifes of Kabul is that they all look the same under their burkas.
ReplyDeleteBut I do hope for another season of Swedish Chef's Kitchen Nightmares. They really need to clean out all the bork with borkified bork.