Guest Blogger: Niamhia Astrakhan.

Fruit Review.

Oranges.

Oranges suck.  My friend Ana tells me people used to suck oranges instead of peeling them in the old country. You’d be walking down some street in Scotland or some such weird old country and bigger boys would walk up to you and say “Gie’s a sook o yer orange” and those guys were called “Geezers”.  Ana always makes stupid crap up. I’m not even gonna return her skort because, you know, liar. First of all, wouldn’t they be called “Suckers” and second omg, there’s no need for second. That sounds so undignified for the orange but it was probably nicer for the people than the stupid oranges we have today. But anyway, oranges suck. Seriously, have you ever tried to eat an orange? You get that weird shit from their peel all over your hands that make you look like a shiny leper. And just when you think you’ve broken into the damn orange and you are all out of peel, you have to quarter it. So now your hands are soaked in orange weird shit AND orange juice and that paper cut was really painful.

They taste quite nice though. A bit like reconstituted Jamba Juice. But it’s not worth it. Oh and don’t buy oranges on Etsy. They screw you on the postage and mine came with a felt tip vagina on it. Reasonable, at $180 though.

$180 plus postage from vajayjaysonstuff.com

Grapes.

Grapes are lush. Grapes are for divas on divans and real women with vaj-js and things. I don’t know if Beyonce eats fruit but if she does I bet it's grapes. They start rotting if you look at them wrong so they get sprayed with all kinds of chem so you know they're good. It’s really important to hold them right and to get the seedless kind. Does anyone know htf seedless grapes procreate, btw? Do they divide? Are they related to grape fruit?

Anyway, any woman eating grapes is insta-sexxay. Fact. Because they are bling. They do not look like an STD shut up Owen.

Tastes like dustbowl and anger.

Bananas.

No. Just, no. You know where I’m going with this, ladies. Phallic fruit is so 80’s and not the good kind of 80’s with the leg warmers and headbands. Bananas is the opposite of grapes. Its insta no-sexxay as proven by the many airbrushed pictures of Banana Splits on creepy vans with, and I stress this, absolutely no kittens inside. There are never kittens, no matter what they say. That damn t-shirt is always the wrong size too.

Apples.

Seriously. Apples need to get over themselves. Like, whatev-er!

Grape Fruit.

Grape fruit is for skinny bitches. If you manage to eat it, you lose, like forty lbs instantly. The problem is that no one can actually eat it. It's great in theory but in practice it's a mouthful of hate. No one really likes grape fruit. People who say they do are big, fat liars. You know they don't because if they did they would weigh, like, negative lbs and be zero dimensional. No one likes it but really determined bitches manage to eat one so they can look like Victoria Beckham. I have tried three times but I never made it with the spoon to my mouth because I started sobbing violently and singing nursery rhymes. No sane person can eat this! It's not for eating. It's just an illustration to thinspo pinterests. When you see a skinny bitch, you know she’ll swallow anything.

Pears.

Who the fuck eats pears? It’s like, it’s an apple but it isn’t? Why? And they look like Kardashians. Or the other way around. Whichever came first. If you put pear and grape fruit in the same fruit salad you create a fructose singularity. Fact.

Owen, I’m not writing anymore. I’m tired of this now and I don’t know any more fruits. What the hell is konkashon anyway? I bet you made that up so mom would feel sorry for you.