Legend has it that 2480 years before the invention of Google the Persians and Greek city states were gearing up for another rumble in the Mediterranean that would be known as the Battle of Thermopylae. Ten years prior to this the Persians kind of lost another attempt to control the land nestled between the Aegean and Adriatic Seas—thus securing a lock on all future John Stamos based yogurt commercials, the highest aspiration of all cultures—thanks to their defeat at the Battle of Marathon. Perhaps they set forth with this endeavor because they just couldn't live with the fact that they were defeated in battle that would give a name to the only sport Kenya can dominate or perhaps because their leader, Xerxes, wanted a lock on punch lines about military ineptitude but knew one day the French military would sit around dumbfounded that an army would dare to use trees as cover.
Whatever it was the Persians wanted to at least look like they were doing invasion stuff proper so they sent out scouts. And those scouts encountered the Spartans preparing for battle by using their perfectly sculpted bodies in a round of calisthenics.
And that is where we must put this hoax under the glare of light. Why? Because TV has well educated me that it is impossible for a people so long ago to have been in good physical shape.
My evidence?
The Spartans didn't have door based exercise equipment
The Tower 200 from fitness outfitter Body By Jake answers the age old conundrum of giving doors a use outside of hiding our marshmallow body shame. If you've ever looked at a door and wondered "it's nice and all but if only it could exercise me?" then you are in luck. You are also probably the sort of person who stares at a garden hose and wonders why it isn't helping you make a better stir-fry. And that's why people with an industrial design degree from a diploma mill got together and decided that doors would no longer be the lazy moocher they had always been. They would now get our bodies into lean shape with a titanium frame and resistance bands.
I suppose the next task will be getting the table to help dress us in the morning. Speaking of the morning...
The Spartans had no abdominal exercise technology
When you wake up in the morning do you sit up? If you said "yes" I will call you a liar. Clearly we humans are incapable of this fundamental task. After all you cannot rely on your abdominal muscles to actually contract in a smooth manner lifting your upper torso into an upright position. Thinking we can do that is just crazy. That's why we invented the ab roller so our equally underpowered arms can help. And ab gliders for those that think inch worms are the height of exercise gurus. Without these items we are like a tortoise laying on its back. Flailing our stubby limbs around in a futile attempt to mock evolution for allowing to exist a creature that sleeps laying down but cannot erect itself in the morning without something designed by an engineer.
The Spartans had no virtual reality stationary bikes
Stationary bikes are awesome. They allow you all the toil of riding the bike with none of that tedious being outside stuff. And yet, deep down, we sort of know bikes should be outside so we've hooked them up to GPS computers and now they will tilt, bank and lean themselves almost like you are actually outside on asphalt or dirt! It only costs several hundred extra dollars to emulate what you can experience just by actually taking a bike outdoors!
The Spartans had no shake weights
Shake weights are what happens when someone looks at a person afflicted with Parkinson's and thinks "that is something we should mimic with technology!" It is a handy device that allows you to combine the proven exercise combination of shame and ridiculousness. The kind of person who actually invents this device is the sort of person a blood soaked terror clown sees in its mirror.
The Spartans did not have The Rack!
Oh I'm sure the Spartans had a rack. But not The Rack. You see this is a bit of exercise technology that came from desperation. As in: an engineer was locked in a room with a stainless steel frame for a dune buggy, some wheels and an order that he could not leave until he had invented some new exercise tech. And the result is The Rack! It allows you to do push ups on the rack! It allows you to do tricep arrested body dips on the rack! It even allows you to do ab work outs on the rack!
The Spartans did not have the Upper Cut
This bit of machinery allows you to mimic the punching motion while laying face down on the floor. It is highly advisable for anyone who holds a grudge against either floors or standing up.
The Spartans did not have the perfect push up
It's a fact! If you exercise you must consume copious quantities of electrolyte imbued flavored drink. If you don't your heart will just seppuku itself right inside you. You might see people exercising and drinking only water but they all belong to a suicide cult.
The Spartans did not have special work out attire
Yes you can't work out if you don't have state of the art exercise attire. Snugly fit, synthetic material designed to provide proper resistance and support while wicking away sweat and beaming biometric feedback to your smart phone. A company called Under Armour is all over this. I'm not sure I trust them with such a name but I guess it could be worse. They could call themselves Retreat Armour or Reverse Armour and that would all definitely be worse.
Whatever it was the Persians wanted to at least look like they were doing invasion stuff proper so they sent out scouts. And those scouts encountered the Spartans preparing for battle by using their perfectly sculpted bodies in a round of calisthenics.
And that is where we must put this hoax under the glare of light. Why? Because TV has well educated me that it is impossible for a people so long ago to have been in good physical shape.
My evidence?
The Spartans didn't have door based exercise equipment
The Tower 200 from fitness outfitter Body By Jake answers the age old conundrum of giving doors a use outside of hiding our marshmallow body shame. If you've ever looked at a door and wondered "it's nice and all but if only it could exercise me?" then you are in luck. You are also probably the sort of person who stares at a garden hose and wonders why it isn't helping you make a better stir-fry. And that's why people with an industrial design degree from a diploma mill got together and decided that doors would no longer be the lazy moocher they had always been. They would now get our bodies into lean shape with a titanium frame and resistance bands.
I suppose the next task will be getting the table to help dress us in the morning. Speaking of the morning...
The Spartans had no abdominal exercise technology
When you wake up in the morning do you sit up? If you said "yes" I will call you a liar. Clearly we humans are incapable of this fundamental task. After all you cannot rely on your abdominal muscles to actually contract in a smooth manner lifting your upper torso into an upright position. Thinking we can do that is just crazy. That's why we invented the ab roller so our equally underpowered arms can help. And ab gliders for those that think inch worms are the height of exercise gurus. Without these items we are like a tortoise laying on its back. Flailing our stubby limbs around in a futile attempt to mock evolution for allowing to exist a creature that sleeps laying down but cannot erect itself in the morning without something designed by an engineer.
The Spartans had no virtual reality stationary bikes
Stationary bikes are awesome. They allow you all the toil of riding the bike with none of that tedious being outside stuff. And yet, deep down, we sort of know bikes should be outside so we've hooked them up to GPS computers and now they will tilt, bank and lean themselves almost like you are actually outside on asphalt or dirt! It only costs several hundred extra dollars to emulate what you can experience just by actually taking a bike outdoors!
The Spartans had no shake weights
The fact that she is actually Canadian makes this historically accurate.
Shake weights are what happens when someone looks at a person afflicted with Parkinson's and thinks "that is something we should mimic with technology!" It is a handy device that allows you to combine the proven exercise combination of shame and ridiculousness. The kind of person who actually invents this device is the sort of person a blood soaked terror clown sees in its mirror.
The Spartans did not have The Rack!
Oh I'm sure the Spartans had a rack. But not The Rack. You see this is a bit of exercise technology that came from desperation. As in: an engineer was locked in a room with a stainless steel frame for a dune buggy, some wheels and an order that he could not leave until he had invented some new exercise tech. And the result is The Rack! It allows you to do push ups on the rack! It allows you to do tricep arrested body dips on the rack! It even allows you to do ab work outs on the rack!
The Spartans did not have the Upper Cut
This bit of machinery allows you to mimic the punching motion while laying face down on the floor. It is highly advisable for anyone who holds a grudge against either floors or standing up.
The Spartans did not have the perfect push up
The Perfect Push up is the latest in push up technology. It seems that for many push ups are just not enough and they wanted to introduce some twisting motion to the whole ordeal. This disc attached to a gymnast mount is the answer! Now you can work out your chest while mimicking the act of drive screwing your fists!
The Spartans did not have the proper shoes
Shoes should be pretty basic but they are not. We have the new zero drop running shoes, sprinting shoes, walking shoes, power walking shoes, cross trainer shoes, resistance walking shoes and even shoes now that give biometric feedback. These days you must have a highly technical shoe custom made for your particular mode of physical exertion. You could go shoeless but that is only for people with reverse vampirism on their feet as they will explode into flame if they ever touch darkness.
The Spartans did not have Gatorade
The Spartans did not have special work out attire
Yes you can't work out if you don't have state of the art exercise attire. Snugly fit, synthetic material designed to provide proper resistance and support while wicking away sweat and beaming biometric feedback to your smart phone. A company called Under Armour is all over this. I'm not sure I trust them with such a name but I guess it could be worse. They could call themselves Retreat Armour or Reverse Armour and that would all definitely be worse.
Still, top marks for helmets.
Nope. The Spartans had none of that. They had old fashioned free weights and gravity. We have the greatest assembly of equipment ever put together by MIT robotics department for keeping ourselves in shape. And when you look around at the general fitness level of modern humanity today I can only conclude that the Spartans must have looked like greased up Jabba-The Huts and those Persian scouts went back and told Xerxes as much and that's why he decided to press on with the attack. 
No comments:
Post a Comment
Let 'er rip!