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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Beware the loss of tradition!

Right now the Supreme Court just heard arguments surrounding California's proposition 8. Otherwise known as the law that made illegal, again, for gay couples to get married. The case is being argued by private lawyers on both sides because California decided pretending its broken system of direct democracy is best ignored in the hopes it will go away.

Ah, but it won't go away and those defending this law may have a point. They argue that allowing gays to marry does injury to the state. How does it do injury to the state? Because by breaking with a "traditional" definition of marriage all marriages are invalidated.

Think this is crazy?

Well think back to the early twentieth century when we decided to abandon "traditional voting" by letting women do it too. No man has been able to bring himself to vote in defiled voting booths ever since.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

My Ten Tips To Avoid Rape

Tip 1) Don't engage in or even attempt sex with someone that has not consented to it.

Tip 2) If you see someone who has blacked out from drinking, make sure their airway is unobstructed and refer back to Tip #1

Tip 3) When you encounter someone incapacitated from an automobile accident, call the appropriate emergency number, check to see if they are bleeding out and refer back to Tip #1

Tip 4)  When you see someone carrying some unconscious woman around make sure they are only taking her to get medical help and refer back to Tip #1

Tip 5) If you encounter someone who is in a diabetic coma, make sure they still have a pulse, call for help  and do this without sticking your penis in them (refer back to Tip #1)

Tip 6) If you happen to come across someone who has suffered a tragic chainsaw accident remember that maintaining blood pressure is of most importance, also don't rape them ( again referring back to Tip #1)

Tip 7) If you have to give a lost person on vacation directions try to get them to their destination using fewer than eight individual instructions and make sure none of them include rape ( once again we refer back to Tip #1)

Tip 8) A lost hiker in the woods is likely dehydrated so if you find one be sure to rehydrate them without trying to stick your penis in them (that would be Tip #1 again)

Tip 9)  If you encounter some guys who are going out to "rape some bitches" don't go with them, also call the police

Tip 10) Pretty much don't rape anyone you encounter anywhere

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Lessons I learned In Life That Won't Help You

Unclogging a stuck drain with cherry bombs only works in your mind.

It is possible to get three rubber balls stuck in one tree in one afternoon.

When you discover the decomposing corpse of an opossum in your tool shed you should not send pics to family members.

A good way to lose a doctor is to always insist on nipple reconstitution as a joke.

You should not immerse a flash drive in boiling water.

Shaving off your eyebrows is pretty much always a bad idea.

Also, letting someone coming off opioids cut your hair is another bad idea.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Why Conspiracy Theorists Get Everything Wrong

It is one thing to banter about how wrong conspiracy theorist are. Yes it is fun but here in this article I'd like to explore why they are, so often, wrong about....well just about everything.

Conspiracy Theorists Don't Understand Science

Yes, science, is something that conspiracy theorists think they know but, trust me, they do not. They actually fundamentally fear it. However they know that the aura of science is a good way to get people to respect your brain feces so they try their best at a kind of cargo cult science. In a way it is kind of like a child who tries to get you to believe their cardboard robot will work with a bunch of nonsense words ending in "ium."

Contrary to popular belief, lipstick immediately humanogrifies a pig 
and a pair of hipster glasses really does turn your Canadian Girlfriend into Zooey Deschanel. 

You see, when you look at what they actually try to employ their version of science for it all starts to come apart. For example: I have encountered conspiracy theorists who don't understand gravity. They seem to think that it is related to air. No air, no gravity. This leads to hilarious claims that with no air on the moon anyone actually trying to visit it will float away.

The complete list of scientists conspiracy 
theorists have heard of.

Scientist most conspiracy theorists have not heard of.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Great Sparta Hoax

Legend has it that 2480 years before the invention of Google the Persians and Greek city states were gearing up for another rumble in the Mediterranean that would be known as the Battle of Thermopylae. Ten years prior to this the Persians kind of lost another attempt to control the land nestled between the Aegean and Adriatic Seas—thus securing a lock on all future John Stamos based yogurt commercials, the highest aspiration of all cultures—thanks to their defeat at the Battle of Marathon. Perhaps they set forth with this endeavor because they just couldn't live with the fact that they were defeated in battle that would give a name to the only sport Kenya can dominate or perhaps because their leader, Xerxes, wanted a lock on punch lines about military ineptitude but knew one day the French military would sit around dumbfounded that an army would dare to use trees as cover.

Whatever it was the Persians wanted to at least look like they were doing invasion stuff proper so they sent out scouts. And those scouts encountered the Spartans preparing for battle by using their perfectly sculpted bodies in a round of calisthenics.

And that is where we must put this hoax under the glare of light. Why? Because TV has well educated me that it is impossible for a people so long ago to have been in good physical shape.

My evidence?

The Spartans didn't have door based exercise equipment

The Tower 200 from fitness outfitter Body By Jake answers the age old conundrum of giving doors a use outside of hiding our marshmallow body shame. If you've ever looked at a door and wondered "it's nice and all but if only it could exercise me?" then you are in luck. You are also probably the sort of person who stares at a garden hose and wonders why it isn't helping you make a better stir-fry. And that's why people with an industrial design degree from a diploma mill got together and decided that doors would no longer be the lazy moocher they had always been. They would now get our bodies into lean shape with a titanium frame and resistance bands.

I suppose the next task will be getting the table to help dress us in the morning. Speaking of the morning...

Monday, March 11, 2013

Guest Blogger: Niamhia Astrakhan.

Fruit Review.


Oranges suck.  My friend Ana tells me people used to suck oranges instead of peeling them in the old country. You’d be walking down some street in Scotland or some such weird old country and bigger boys would walk up to you and say “Gie’s a sook o yer orange” and those guys were called “Geezers”.  Ana always makes stupid crap up. I’m not even gonna return her skort because, you know, liar. First of all, wouldn’t they be called “Suckers” and second omg, there’s no need for second. That sounds so undignified for the orange but it was probably nicer for the people than the stupid oranges we have today. But anyway, oranges suck. Seriously, have you ever tried to eat an orange? You get that weird shit from their peel all over your hands that make you look like a shiny leper. And just when you think you’ve broken into the damn orange and you are all out of peel, you have to quarter it. So now your hands are soaked in orange weird shit AND orange juice and that paper cut was really painful.

They taste quite nice though. A bit like reconstituted Jamba Juice. But it’s not worth it. Oh and don’t buy oranges on Etsy. They screw you on the postage and mine came with a felt tip vagina on it. Reasonable, at $180 though.

$180 plus postage from vajayjaysonstuff.com

Thursday, March 7, 2013

E-mails From The Department Of Health & Safety In Sci-Fi

 --Star Wars--

From: Lok Mare Hnen <lokmarehnen@galacticempire.net>
To: Bevel Lemelisk <Lemelisk420@despayreglobal.net>
Re: Major issue at the core

Yeah, I just got a look at the plans for this Death Star. It seems you plan to put a hypermatter core at the very center of the thing. Now I'm not a physicist so I won't pretend to know what a hypermatter core is but it sounds awfully dangerous and it seems I might be correct as you guys plan to surround it with a magnetic shielding system. Does this thing really need to be at the center of a giant space station with millions of citizens and those creepy storm trooper clone things on board? We might want to explore housing it in a separate module that can be ejected to a safe distance.


From: Lok Mare Hnen <lokmarehnen@galacticempire.net>
To: Bevel Lemelisk <Lemelisk420@despayreglobal.net>
Re: Railings

Okay, you have gone ahead and started  to build the Death Star. But I couldn't help but notice that you pretty much don't have railings anywhere. And there are some chasms on this thing that just disappear into darkness they are so vast. Please tell me you will eventually install railings!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Some Dumb Ideas That Smart People Advocate

The Gold Standard

This is an idea that we should not have fiat money. Once upon a time all money issued had to be backed up by a gold reserve. If you had a $1 bill issued by the government there was $1 worth of gold in a big safe somewhere. This meant the money supply was usually pretty stable. It remained more or less the same regardless of what was going on in the economy at the moment.

Is this a problem?

Oh you bet it is. As the United States (and other nations) learned you sometimes need to restrict the money supply and sometimes you need to expand it. You'll restrict it to try and keep inflation in check and expand it when you need to create jobs. Without that ability the nation finds itself unable to respond to changing economic situations. Another problem is that the currency is tied to the current value of gold and that is something which can change quickly like if, say, a major gold deposit is located somewhere and mining commences. All of sudden your money isn't worth what it once was and there isn't anything you can do about it.

Also you never know when a super villain will decide to like...nuke your gold or something which would be very, very bad.

So why do people like this idea?

And what happened to the Turnip Standard?

Saturday, March 2, 2013