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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

From the weapon design workshop of a bigot

Does the idea of a "gay bomb" make sense to you as a potential weapon?

It does?

Congratulations you are a terrible person.

It is the kind of idea that appeals to a very bigoted view of the world. You know, the one where you just assume that because you think gay men are a bunch of pansy pacifists that all you need is a "gay bomb" to get your enemies to stop shooting at you and start critiquing each others spray on tans before descending into a spontaneous orgy.

All I have to say is that if it actually does get invented it had better be strapped to the rear hindquarters of the bomber that carries it, have a self lubricating nipple (codenamed EJAKUL8) at the top of its cylindrical body, two empty spheres at its base for ballast and bomber crews that signal a successful release of the bomb with the phrase "done tossed good."

But continuing the line of reasoning that bigoted stereotypes make for good weapons here are some more.



Italian Bomb

Turns its victims into loudmouths that constantly talk about how awesome a cousin Mikey is that works at either a deli or  in the "protection business."

The Japanese Ray

Armies are increasingly mechanized so this ray gun will make all the drivers both not know the fundamentals of driving and more likely to steer themselves into a lake should a rogue GPS map system tell them to.

The Dutch Device

This makes the victims either try to do spontaneous vile acts for a web cam or get high. Possibly both at the same time.

Native American Speech Inhibitor

Speaking quickly is important and this weapon makes people speak.....slowly.....of.....the......clouds......that......the.......fathers......saw.

German Disruptor

Creates an irrepressible urge in a person to stop everything and chart their efficiency

Belarusian Existentialism

Creates depression. Really overpowering depression. Like, "crap I'm from Belarus" type depression.

Balkaninzer

Makes units lose their cohesion as they suddenly remember insults from other families 1000's of years ago leading to civil war.

Nordic Neutralizer

Why wage war when you can stare at how beautiful you are in a mirror?


Owen, you asshole! I actually know how to operate this tank and I know where you live. 
- I'm coming for you as soon as I've adjusted the rea...oh, <3

Brazilian Blaster

Screw this battle. I got a tan to work on.

Russian Remonstrator

This weapon lets you use Russia's accumulated wealth in steroids and sketchy Olympic coaches to make it so that "I will break you." (this might not be a good idea to use)

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