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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

From the weapon design workshop of a bigot

Does the idea of a "gay bomb" make sense to you as a potential weapon?

It does?

Congratulations you are a terrible person.

It is the kind of idea that appeals to a very bigoted view of the world. You know, the one where you just assume that because you think gay men are a bunch of pansy pacifists that all you need is a "gay bomb" to get your enemies to stop shooting at you and start critiquing each others spray on tans before descending into a spontaneous orgy.

All I have to say is that if it actually does get invented it had better be strapped to the rear hindquarters of the bomber that carries it, have a self lubricating nipple (codenamed EJAKUL8) at the top of its cylindrical body, two empty spheres at its base for ballast and bomber crews that signal a successful release of the bomb with the phrase "done tossed good."

But continuing the line of reasoning that bigoted stereotypes make for good weapons here are some more.

The depressing future for Kevin McCallister from "Home Alone"

First off, for those that just climbed out of the bomb shelter they entered back in 1989, Home Alone is a movie about a boy, Kevin McCallister, who defeats two burglars with ingenuity after his family leaves him behind while they travel to the one hotel in Paris that actually has a view of the Eiffel Tower.

Also the Cold War ended, the USSR is no more, Princess Diana died, The Simpsons is still on the air, South Africa traded in the horrors of apartheid for the horrors of gang rape, Bono of U2 inexplicably became Man of The Year once and the new Star Wars movies sucked despite costing more than the Manhattan Project to produce.

Oh and something called Here Comes Honey BooBoo just exists. No one knows why.

Okay, now the actor behind Kevin McCallister, Macaulay Culkin, went on to have a good life. I mean he had an acclaimed theater run then went on to find true love which makes your life a "win" even if a sentient computer program exterminated all humans except you just so it could torment you for its own amusement.

Hey, ever notice that Harlan Ellison is sort of a downer?

Anyways, things would not be so good for the character of Kevin McCallister after things were over and here are why I think this would be so.

Monday, January 28, 2013

How I Became An Internet Forum Paid Shill

Rain was coming down again. It always did that when I was in my office. It served as reminder just how much the universe hated me. But that was okay, I hated the universe too.

But I didn't have time for philosophy. My name is Rifle Tracer. I'm a Private Investigator.

The door knocked and I was interested just enough to yell for whoever it was to "come in" and to part my boots that I had resting on my desk so I could see who was coming in. It was trouble, female, with a long mane of red hair as usual.

"I am so sorry Mr Tracer," the redhead started, "but I was instructed to invite you for a most lucrative job."

Naturally several things perked up on me after hearing this offer from the lady in the breezy honey colored dress standing before me, my ears were among them. "Am I following someone?" That always cost extra though I might make a discount if my client were to be extra accommodating.

"No, Mr Tracer. I'm afraid it will be unlike anything you have ever done before." She bit her lower lip for no good reason while handing me a card. Wherever she had gotten her seductress training it was good. Of course that had me wondering just who she was working for.

The card only gave a cryptic address: 688 South Ebony Raven Way.

Journal entries from the most realistic Medieval re-creation vacation ever!

Day -1: This should be an experience I will never forget. This is going to be great. I have always loved these things. That was the longest liability waiver form I've ever signed though. What in the hell is Yersinia pestis? 

Day 1: Well, they've assigned me to work in some field. That doesn't sound like much fun, I can't wait for the first feast! Man these clothes are really uncomfortable. I've been given some sort of realistic wife.....she's missing some teeth...she's got a bump down on her belly....and doesn't really have the heaving bosoms I thought I'd be seeing everywhere.

Friday, January 25, 2013

The opening passages of The Picture of Dorian Gray ruined by Google Translate

First the original courtesy of Oscar Wilde. The Oscar Wilde that was not waging war on Tesla from a battle dirigible. I can't stress that enough. The battle dirigible version of Wilde gave us nothing so majestic.

The studio was filled with the rich odor of roses, and when the light summer wind stirred amidst the trees of the garden there came through the open door the heavy scent of the lilac, or the more delicate perfume of the pink-flowering thorn.
From the corner of the divan of Persian saddle-bags on which he was lying, smoking, as usual, innumerable cigarettes, Lord Henry Wotton could just catch the gleam of the honey-sweet and honey-colored blossoms of the laburnum, whose tremulous branches seemed hardly able to bear the burden of a beauty so flame-like as theirs; and now and then the fantastic shadows of birds in flight flitted across the long tussore-silk curtains that were stretched in front of the huge window, producing a kind of momentary Japanese effect, and making him think of those pallid jade-faced painters who, in an art that is necessarily immobile, seek to convey the sense of swiftness and motion. The sullen murmur of the bees shouldering their way through the long unmown grass, or circling with monotonous insistence round the black-crocketed spires of the early June hollyhocks, seemed to make the stillness more oppressive, and the dim roar of London was like the bourdon note of a distant organ.

In the centre of the room, clamped to an upright easel, stood the full-length portrait of a young man of extraordinary personal beauty, and in front of it, some little distance away, was sitting the artist himself, Basil Hallward, whose sudden disappearance some years ago caused, at the time, such public excitement, and gave rise to so many strange conjectures.

And here it is Google translated into Swedish:

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

An Apology To The Men That Thought I Was Their Internet Girlfriend

The first thing you need to know for certain is that I, pseudonymous Owen Astrakhan, am a dude. Very much a dude. But that is real life. The anonymity of the internet combined with some severe naivete and wishful thinking turned me into a dream girl. But that is a lie that can continue no more.

And so I now have to break it to Jerry, Ricky, Norbert, Ricky #2, Maxwell and Craig that the woman you thought was your girlfriend never was. She was I. Or I was she. She never existed. I am........sorry.

Yes I was Nella....except for you Ricky #2 to whom I always presented myself as Nancy. Because you gotta keep things fresh.

To be fair I did try and leave a rather large amount of clues regarding this.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Disasters You Should Not Build A Bunker For

December 31st, 1999. All around the world people spent the early part of the night partying because it was literally 1999 and Prince had mercifully been irrelevant for almost a decade. In my house streams of tears dropped into empty champagne glasses.......in the movie I was watching. I really had no reason to be sad even though I was 21 years old and had nothing better to do on New Years Eve except watch TV by myself. After all my situation was positively joyous compared to the scene about three miles away where a dear friend of mine spent the night dealing with an aunt who was convinced that Y2K was about unleash the end of things. She had spent an incredible amount of money to fortify their garage into a survival bunker.

Well Y2K turned out to be a whole lotta nothing thanks to a combination of prudent work to fix computer code and the fact that most computer networks cannot just launch a nuclear missile the second they don't know exactly what day it is.

But the experience of my friend was my first view into the strange world of doomsday bunker enthusiasts. People who spend loads of time and money preparing for events that largely never happen.

Now disasters do happen of course. Trust me I know as I grew up in California which is essentially a natural disaster test zone that just happens to have nearly 40 million people living there. But it seems that the bunker people never prepare for disasters that actually happen or actually worth preparing for. Here are four disasters commonly prepared for that just aren't worth it.

Pole Shifts

Friday, January 18, 2013

In The Hunt For The Last Great Cryptid

"Don't step in it. That is fresh dung!"

I knew that Bobo was probably right. He had been collecting what he thought was the creature's droppings since the 1980's. With my foot now planted next to, instead of on, the specimen we all gathered around to inspect it right there on the path.

"What do you suppose causes the coloration?" Cliff posed to no one in particular while bending over.

"Might be french fries," was the speculation that Ranae offered while pushing her glasses back up the prow of her nose into position.

"I tells you that is its dung!" Bobo was pretty insistent. He had already pulled out a plastic container to collect the specimen. I couldn't quite figure out where he had it stashed for our walk in.

"If it is then it can't be too far away." Cliff said causing me to look around nervously along with everyone else.

"I'm gonna see if it responds to some knocks and yells," Bobo announced and before anyone could protest he had already pulled out a pizza box and dropped it. We all looked around. Nothing. "Faaaawwwxxx Nuuuuueeeewwwsss!" He yelled out once. Then again when nothing responded.


"Naaaasssssskkkkhaaaarrrr!" Now Matt had joined in.

"Would you all shut the hell up you lunatics!" That voice came down from a woman yelling from her third floor apartment. We might have protested but just around then a group of drunken college students rounded the corner and we knew the scene was now compromised.

Another night on the prowl for our elusive prey. Another failure. 

For some people there is Bigfoot. For others there is the monster of Loch Ness or the Bunyip. Some even still try to trap the Orang Pendek.

Me though? I'm trying to locate the infamous Sheeple.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Four Fictional Places It Would Suck To Live In

Sometimes things can be disillusioning. Sometimes these things are small (like figuring out octagon fighting is boring) sometimes they are big (like finding out Tolkien was actually a cyborg sent from the future to establish an elaborate cryptogram in the guise of some novels that leads to a cure for a disease that hasn't yet mutated into existence). This is about fictitious geographic disillusionment. More precisely four places that seem like they would be cool places to live until you start to think about it.

#Shermer, Illinois (the John Hughes Universe)

TV Advertising Conventions That Bug Me

Trucks make you masculine

Who uses trucks? Don't answer that. I live in a rural area so I know the kinds of people use trucks: all kinds of people. Yet trucks are invariably marketed to men. And they are marketed in a rather condescending fashion. You have gravelly voiced guy, former football star, more gravelly voiced guys, Dennis Leary's voice and Mike Rowe......okay I'll hand them that Mike Rowe is probably the best, if most unconventional, choice there.

But all those choices are decidedly supposed to appeal to men or, more exactly, to a supposed basal desire of men to always be hyper masculine. Which is strange because, when you get down to it, a truck is a practical thing that is useful in practical ways so why is there a need to connect it to masculinity at all? But that seems to be a trend that things that are actually useful to men get advertised as being part of what makes men masculine. Wrenches? Useful and always advertised in the context of men being masculine. Like building a kick ass man cave where you can mainline the NFL Network straight into your veins or tightening a bolt on a snowmobile covered with running chainsaws. Decidedly missing is the more likely use of a wrench such as making sure a bracket for a flower box doesn't come undone. Oh and apparently these wrenches are made out of female kryptonite seeing as how you never see a woman using one in any of the commercials. I guess they're all too busy being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or something.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

An attempt at sex texting ruined by autocorrect

Hey there baby

>Hey there yourself

You know how much you turn me on?

>Oh and you turn me on too

I so want to kick your puppy

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Hanging with spokesmen would be weird

Ted was relieved to see a friendly face as he walked in the door. Sarah's striking red hair was so vibrant as always.

"Goodness Ted you look beat!?" She said after scanning him up and down with her eyes.

"Today was not good. They are letting me go and my mom needs to be put in a home....and I don't really know how to break that to her." He sat down on the couch and sort of slumped into the cushions as if gravity was extra powerful today.

"Well you know Ted we could always go to Wendy's!"

Ted blinked in confusion.

On What We Value As A "Right"

Somewhere in "Real America" we get a demonstration that America totally has its values on what is a "right" and a "privilege" completely straight and correct.

We start in a DMV.
DMV Worker: Hi there sir. How can I help you? Wait. Are you foaming at the mouth?

Random Twitching Dude: I need the plastic card that allows me to operate the vehicles and become the hammer of the Army Of Light and fix the tainted ones with a vehicle of death and judgement.

DMV Worker: Yeah......we aren't even going to give you the written test.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Fall 2013 TV lineup

Ever get the feeling that everything has already been done? Ever get the feeling that feeling that way has already happened? Ever think that considering that it may have already happened that you felt that way about everything already having been done might just classify you as a borderline neurotic? No?

Awesome! TV executives are going to love you!

Here's your Fall 2013 lineup!

Apocalypse Next!
--H2 Wednesdays 8:00PM
The Mayan apocalypse might have been a dud but that doesn't mean we can't find more dates to get emotionally disturbed people all in a fuss over! The best minds from Ancient Aliens (I presume it is the sound editor and archival footage researcher) travel the world looking for new end dates. Did the Hittites have a calendar? If so when did it end? Does the artwork of the Moche include Morse Code for a date in 2131? Is it beyond stupid to think that they knew about Morse Code several thousand years before it was invented?

NCIS: Fallon
--CBS Fridays 9:00PM
Abby has been reassigned to Naval Air Station Fallon, Nevada (no I am not making that up. There is a naval base in Nevada. It has a Wikipedia page and everything) and must solve the pressing mysteries of the area including: who put the dent in the guard truck and do scorpions really fry on car batteries? Will she succumb to the charms of the cocky fighter jock Luke or just use him in an experiment?

The Four Reasons Aliens Will Not Invade Earth

Four Reasons Aliens Won't Invade Earth

Okay so we’ll assume that you are not Amish or living in a cabin in Montana composing anti-technology manifestos and are aware that within the genre of media entertainment known as “Sci-Fi” (not to be confused with the TV channel Syfy, which, near as I can tell, is not entertainment and is barely media) there have been a lot of plot lines that center around alien civilizations coming down and invading our asses (meaning Earth, not anyone’s actual sphincter). There is the usual interplay of skeptical scientists/absentee dads/cable network technicians who detect, and or try to warn people, who of course do not listen (that would be bad for plot padding) about the impending invasion. Then when the invasion happens, and anything vaguely weapon like is tried to repel them, the aliens have machines that are essentially invincible (sort of like Charlie Sheen’s career only with fewer STD’s) via technology that borders on “magic”. Whether this is the same “magic” that keeps the Kardashian sisters relevant in the face of all logic is open to debate.

Now the possibility of the threat of extraterrestrial invasion is not something just relegated to bad B-movies and crappy late night filler you turn your TV to when the softcore on Cinemax gets boring and you simply do not want to see yet another penis enlargement infomercial. You see, none other than Stephen Hawking has brought this issue up and I’m pretty sure he has way more credibility on this matter than all of Hollywood put together (and fewer of those two week marriages and pesky coke habits).

However, would aliens even want to do this? I propose they would not for the following four reasons.

Living in a city with a superhero might not be so great

Having a superhero turn up in your city may not be all that it's cracked up to be. In fact it might actually really blow.

--1--The Assault On The Necessary Institutions

Edward Mitch awoke with a start. It was his phone. His eye's slowly focused on his clock only to see that it was 2:27AM....though it felt more like 4:30AM. While reaching for the offending piece of buzzing technology he knew it was probably bad—a call this time of night to the District Attorney was rarely ever good news.

“Mitch here,” he spoke into the phone while trying to get a cramp out of his neck.

“Ed, it's Nick.” Nick Plasserter, the warden at Metro Prison a dank but necessary place. “We have a real problem here,” he continued, “Manny and Tim Kilner were just dropped off here tonight.”

The Kilners. They were the prime suspects in a counterfeit Viagra scheme. “I'll be right there.”

Down at the prison Ed met up with Todd Graft who was leading up the investigation for the city police.

“So what was the deal?” Todd asked as they trudged through the mud of the prison courtyard. Todd reflected that there seemed to be a conspiracy to make these prisons so damned depressing. How it was that they always seemed to have mud even in the middle of a drought was something that had always mystified him.

“Guards say that a man came in flying over the towers with the Kilners suspended beneath him on a rope. He dropped them off, told the guards on duty that the Vigara imitators are now theirs and flew off.” Ed couldn't believe how effortlessly he had just spoken that bit of incredible exposition.

“Dropped off by a flying guy?” Todd didn't seem as surprised as most might be. “Golden Shirt Boy I take it?”

“Yep.” Ed was still trying to figure out the full implications.

“Great, so now they untied them because they weren't actually arrested and they are probably now going to go back and destroy any incriminating evidence that may actually be in their factory.” Todd was sounding pretty angry.

“Probably,” Ed replied, “and we can't get a search warrant to stop it.”

“Why not at least try?”

“Based on what? We have no more evidence now than we did before and we couldn't even get authorization for a wire tap before.” Ed knew Judge Zander was just doing his job but he really wished they had gotten that wire tap.

“We could claim an anonymous tip?”

“What we have is the proclamation from a man who flies and wears a shiny golden shirt. That's even worse than an anonymous tip....that's like using Snooki as a life coach.” Ed made a mental note to make sure his order for a pin-up calendar of busty Chileans was still on track.